WHEN PIGS FLY
by Heartwings
Summary: A lighthearted look at what happens when the ship is in dire straits, Janeway and the crew's worst nightmare comes true, Chakotay tries to help her and nothing goes right. Story is J/C and a good role for a seldom heard from but fun crew member.


**WHEN PIGS FLY**

Kathryn Janeway entered the briefing room mumbling under her breath, nearly slammed her PADDs on the table and took her seat. She took a breath to steady herself before she spoke to her senior officers, "Good afternoon, sorry I'm late." Kathryn rubbed her aching temples and did her best to turn her grimace into a more pleasant, but fake, expression as she went on. "Please forgive me, I have just spent the entire morning and missed lunch talking to the Talamani Prelate and, I swear, I have never met a more exasperating man in my life! Needless to say, I have gotten nowhere with negotiating trade for the pergium, food and other supplies they have that we so desperately need."

Chakotay rose, got a cup of coffee and sat it in front of her as he discretely gave her a little pat on the shoulder. "Here, you look like you could use this, Captain. What seems to be the sticking point or is he simply unwilling to discuss trade at all?"

She took a long sip of coffee, sat the cup down and clenched her hands together on the table. "Oh, he'll talk, the man will talk your ears off, but he either wants things I can't offer him, like photon torpedoes and the warp core or, when I make an offer, he wants double and another dozen things thrown in too. I swear, it's like playing poker with a Ferengi octopus, and each arm has a different hand and keeps upping the ante. Tuvok and I have been talking to him for three days now and we're no closer to an agreement than when we started."

"Captain," B'Elanna interjected, "I'm sure you know what will happen if we don't get that pergium! We are down to bare bones now, we'll probably lose replicators by the end of the day and I just don't know…"

Janeway waved her hand and cut her off. "Believe me, B'Elanna, I know what dire straits we're in, but I can't simply give the man things I'm not authorized to give him or things we don't even have!"

"What about shore leave?" Tom asked. "It's been months since the crew's had any."

Janeway rubbed her temple again, "Oh yes, that we can have, as long as we pay a per person tourism fee… and then there's the little matter of alien health certificates, tourist visas and something called an atmospheric usage compensation fee, all at substantial additional charges, of course!"

Harry scratched his head. "Atmospheric usage?" He thought and began chuckling, "You mean, they want to charge us for the air we'd breathe?"

Janeway shrugged her shoulders and grinned, "Yes, Mr. Kim, essentially that's it, so now you all see what I'm up against."

The doctor chimed in, "Captain, that's ridiculous! I can certify that anyone beaming down to the planet is healthy! Why don't I have a chat with their health minister or whatever and assure them of that?"

Janeway laughed, "And pay their hefty fee for a medical consultation? I don't think so, Doctor! Well, if there are no more questions, I have your reports and I'll be in my ready room reviewing our cargo manifests and see if there is something I can come up with to at least get us enough to get out of here and limp to a more reasonable planet."

"Uh…Ca…Captain," Neelix interrupted, "I've had some dealings with Talamani traders before, perhaps if you were to employ a more creative and… uh forceful approach?"

She immediately dismissed his idea. "Mr. Neelix, as much as I'd like to, I can't tell the man I'm going to blow up his planet if he doesn't give me what I want!"

"Of course not, Captain, but these people are crafty and you have to outwit them and che… beat them at their own game, so to speak. I'm sure you've noticed they're none too respectful of women and consider them subservient and easy to persuade. Would it be possible for me to meet with the Prelate? Maybe if I could look over the list of what we have to offer, I could work out a deal with him? I am Voyager's official ambassador, after all, and I know a thing or two about how to umm… entice pompous officials to come to terms," Neelix said as he grinned broadly.

Janeway tossed her PADD on the table. "Here you go, Neelix, here's all my notes and the manifest of things we have available for trade, but you won't get anywhere with him, I assure you. Mr. Tuvok and I have both negotiated with him for three days now and the man's impossible, obstinate, arrogant, insufferable and incorrigible! He's beaming back in twenty minutes, give it your best shot, Neelix! "

Neelix looked at the PADD briefly and smiled. "I will, Captain, and I'm sure I'll be able to work something out. I'll have those supplies for you in no time!"

Janeway shook her head and laughed. "Mr. Neelix, I'd bet you a month's pay you won't get anywhere with that ass, but if you can get what we need, you can have the next three days off and I'll do your job! All right everyone, dismissed!" She turned to Chakotay, "Join me in my ready room, please?"

Kathryn and Chakotay chatted with Tuvok on the bridge, who had less faith in Neelix than they did, then filed into her ready room. She flopped down on the sofa with her coffee as he brought her a sandwich and took her PADD away from her. "Here, Kathryn, try to eat something and relax. Don't let that idiot Prelate get to you, I'm sure you'll be able to work out something eventually, you always do."

She took a bite of the sandwich and, realizing how long it had been since she'd last eaten, let out a sigh of relief. "I don't know, Chakotay, when I said the man was incorrigible and obstinate and all, I was just being kind. He's a royal flaming pompous ass and I don't think I've ever met anyone who rubs me the wrong way quite as much as he does; even Tuvok hates him!"

Chakotay gave her a smile as he dug his fingers into her shoulders. "Well, fortunately for you, I know how to rub you just the right way, so relax, eat your sandwich and clear your head for a few minutes. You never know, maybe Neelix can make some headway with him? The man is a pretty cunning little weasel himself, you know!"

Kathryn leaned into Chakotay and enjoyed his talented fingers. "Ah, you certainly do know how to rub me the right way; bless you, Chakotay! Neelix isn't going to get anywhere, one of the so called non-negotiable things the Prelate wanted was the Delaney sisters. Seems the Talamani don't have twin births, much less identical twins, and the Prelate thinks he could make a fortune putting them on display in his, what was he called it… 'emporium of sensual curiosity'? He wants the Delta Flyer too, I should have never let Tom give him the tour of the ship! Oh yeah, and it seems he's taken quite a shining to Seven of Nine."

Chakotay gathered Kathryn into his arms as she leaned her back against him as he spoke, "As mad as I am at Seven right now, he could have her! I had to listen to B'Elanna rant and rave for fifteen minutes first thing this morning about how Seven is consistently exceeding her allocation of power in astrometrics. I checked and she is, so, if you can trade her for the pergium, I say it would be a fair trade!" he chuckled.

"Well, as much as I hate to end the only good thing that's happened so far today, let me get down there and talk to Seven and get it straightened out."

Chakotay grabbed Kathryn's wrist and tugged her back onto the sofa. "Stay here, I already took care of it. Let me get you something more to eat and then why don't you try to rest for a few minutes? I'll go back to the bridge and take care of business and make sure Neelix checks with you before carving anything in stone, OK? OK?"

Kathryn settled back into the sofa and capitulated. "OK, but have Neelix keep me up to date with his negotiations. I only got a couple hours of sleep last night, so I could use a nap. I know I'm on duty, but can you cover for me?"

Chakotay got Kathryn another sandwich, tossed a throw over her, scooped up her stack of PADDs and gave her a pat on the shoulder. "Isn't that what a good first officer is for?" he asked as he smiled and left her.

When the doors slid shut, Kathryn pulled the throw up to her neck, settled into the sofa and smiled, "No, Chakotay, that's what a best friend is for."

/\ Neelix to Captain Janeway. Neelix to Captain Janeway/\

Kathryn was deep asleep and it took her a moment to come to her senses and respond as she tried to sit up and push her hair out of her eyes. "Uh, Janeway here. What is it, Mr. Neelix, did you get anywhere with the Prelate?"

"Oh yes, we're taking a break, I just stepped out for a moment to call you. Captain, are you all right? You don't sound too good and it took you so long to respond, is your headache worse? If you don't feel good or you're too busy, I can call Commander Chakotay or Mr. Tuvok."

Kathryn took a sip of her cold coffee and cleared her throat as she glanced at the chronometer, realizing she had been asleep for well over an hour. "No, no, Neelix, I'm fine, I was just um… I dropped my com badge and had to crawl under my desk to retrieve it, that's all. How are things going, did the Prelate leave all ready?"

Neelix beamed as he spoke excitedly, "Oh, no, Captain, he's enjoying some prune wine and another bowl of my special leola root pudding in the mess hall with the Delaney sisters. Well, I had better get back. Oh, uh, Captain, he's willing to give us the pergium in exchange for some food, is that all right?"

"What food, Neelix? I'm sure you're well aware we don't have that much and we might lose replicators any minute; we need to trade for food, Neelix, not with it!

"A case of leola roots and the rest of the prune wine. Don't worry, Captain, no coffee involved, I promise!"

Kathryn rubbed her eyes and shook her head, trying to clear it. "Wait a minute, Neelix, you're telling me he'll give us all the pergium we want for just a case a leola roots and that ghastly prune wine?"

"Yes, Captain!" Neelix boasted. "Well, it is sparkling prune wine, after all, and I did have to throw in the recipe for leola root pudding, my mother's secret recipe. I'm going to go work on the rest of the list, I'll call you as soon as I have a better idea, but I'm sure we'll get it worked out; he's not that unreasonable."

Chakotay walked in as Neelix was finishing and caught the tail end of his conversation. Kathryn tossed off the throw and tried to fix her hair as she spoke. "Very well, Mr. Neelix, keep me informed, Janeway out."

Chakotay joined her on the sofa and chuckled, "Leola roots and prune wine? Did he just poison the Prelate? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you if you were still sleeping, so I just let myself in, I hope that was OK. Are you feeling better?"

"Much, thank you. I don't know how he did it, but Neelix got us the pergium and he's optimistic about the rest. Tuvok and I got nowhere for three days and that little weasel got us what we needed most for something that was worthless and he did it in about an hour. The Prelate wouldn't give me the pergium for less than the Delta Flyer and the Delaney sisters, but he'll give it to Neelix for what's essentially garbage. I just don't get it, have I lost my touch?"

"Oh no, Kathryn, never! You know Neelix, he's a good con man if nothing else and he does seem to have a knack for getting something for nothing. If you could spare a few minutes, B'Elanna has some ideas to jerry rig that mess in the aft Jeffries tubes so that she can keep us in one piece until we can get or replicate the spare parts she needs and she wants to see what you think about it. It looks good to me, but you're the real expert."

"All right, give me a minute to get myself together and I'll be right down, OK?"

"OK. Harry wanted to talk to me about something, I'll meet you on the bridge when you're ready and don't forget we have another senior staff meeting in the conference room at 1730."

"Aye aye," Janeway mumbled as she gave up, shook her hair out and went to her washroom to start from scratch.

The rest of the afternoon was fraught with one challenge after another as Voyager's crew struggled to keep her together and functioning with a minimum of supplies and power and a maximum of short tempers and frustration. B'Elanna was at her wit's end, taking it out on any and everyone, Janeway was tired and frustrated, Tuvok was about as annoyed at both of them as a Vulcan can get and Chakotay was doing his best to smooth things over and keep everyone happy.

Janeway received yet another call from Neelix and sent Chakotay on to start the staff meeting without her while she went to the mess hall to talk with Neelix and the Talamani Prelate. As Kathryn entered the briefing room at a run and took her seat, everyone scooted their chairs down a bit, knowing she was probably none too happy and keeping one's distance was undoubtedly a wise precaution.

She gently placed her PADD on the table and looked up. "At ease, I'm not going to chew off any more heads today! I am happy to announce the Talamani Prelate and I have just arrived at an agreement, thanks to Mr. Neelix's rather… creative negotiating skills. We have secured the pergium and other supplies we needed, some much needed food and shore leave privileges as well."

The room erupted into applause before B'Elanna asked, "If I might enquire, Captain, just what are we trading for all that? At last I heard he wanted a shuttle, the warp core, the Delaney sisters, bio-neural gel pack technology, a dozen vestal virgins, all our dilithium and your head on a platter too… Ma'am."

Kathryn chuckled, "Let's just say my head wasn't the part of me the Prelate was interested in! Ah, here's Neelix now! Perhaps you would care to explain your rather, shall we say, unique solutions, Mr. Neelix?"

Neelix received a round of applause as he sat and basked in his own richly spotted glory. He went on to explain how he plied the Prelate with prune wine and, once drunk, he was much easier to handle and very anxious to acquire more of the wine. Thanks to some stellar acting by the Delaney sisters, Neelix convinced the Prelate that leola roots had rare aphrodisiac properties and the Prelate was more than willing to trade pergium for Voyager's only case of the "rare and erotic Talaxian delicacy". Apparently Neelix failed to mention that they, in fact, had well over two hundred cases of leola roots in stasis, most of the crew would rather starve than eat them and they had no magical properties whatsoever. The Prelate agreed to take the rest of the prune wine in lieu of the Delaney sisters and ten minutes with Seven convinced him that she was immune from the effects of leola roots and, in reality, quite surly. He happily accepted a copy of Tom's holographic Constance Goodheart program, as she was guaranteed to be infinitely more compliant than Seven, and would be a real money maker at the emporium of sensual curiosities. Neelix managed to convince the Prelate of the great value of various other worthless commodities and secured free shore leave, magnanimously agreeing to wave what Voyager normally charged for personal appearance fees and the carbon dioxide they left behind, if the Talamani would wave the atmospheric consumption usage and other fees.

Neelix concluded by saying, "So, Captain, I think as long as I beam down and make sure the Prelate continues to sample our wide assortment of alcoholic beverages until we have everything we need and can warp out of here, there won't be any problems. Oh, with your permission of course, I've agreed to spend the time on exhibit in his 'cultural museum', as a compensation of course, you understand!"

Janeway smiled, "Of course, Mr. Neelix. Well, thank you for a job well done. I don't know how you did it and I don't really want to know I'm sure, but thank you again. Ladies and gentlemen, if there are no more questions, dis…"

"Captain!" Tom interrupted as he giggled, "One more question, what's for breakfast tomorrow, Ma'am?"

"Breakfast? How should I know, why don't you ask Neelix?" Janeway suggested, rather annoyed that Tom would ask such a question at a senior staff meeting..

Neelix stammered, "Well, you see, Ca…Captain, I'll be down on the planet… to keep our end of the bargain you see… We had a deal… I thought you would be fixing breakfast? In fact, all the meals for the next three days."

Kathryn laughed and rolled her eyes, "Me? Surely you jest!"

Neelix tried to assert himself. "Well, Captain, you did tell me, if I got trade worked out for everything we needed, you'd do my job for the next three days. It's all right there on the list, everything you asked me to get, and you did say that, Captain Janeway, yes you did!"

"I did?" She looked at the rest of her staff, "Did I?"

"You did, Captain!" they replied in chorus.

She looked plaintively at Tuvok; certainly her oldest friend on the ship would bail her out. "Are you sure?"

"Quite, Captain." he replied as he picked up his PADD. "I can recall the log of the meeting if you…"

She waved him off as she tried to shrink into her chair. "So I did. Well, I suppose you're right, Neelix, and I won't have it said that Kathryn Janeway doesn't keep her word, so I guess I'll have to."

Neelix smiled reassuringly. "That's the spirit! Don't worry, Captain, Chell will be there to help you and I'm sure you'll do fine! After all, it's just running the mess hall and I do it every day and we all know I'm not the brightest indicator on the panel, so how hard can it be? I bet you'll really enjoy it, nice change of pace, I know you'll enjoy it as much as I do, yes, indeedy, I do!"

"Ahem!" Kathryn sighed. "Dismissed!" She buried her face in her hands as they filed out. "Not you, Chakotay! Did I really say that?" He sat beside her and nodded as he rubbed her back. "Oh, gods, what am I going to do? You know me, I'm not exactly a very good cook, fact is I hate to cook and I've never made food for that many people. I barely know how to make toast!"

He patted her hands, "Well, I'm sure Chell will help you and, if it's any consolation, Neelix is a lousy cook too, so they probably won't even notice the difference. I'll help you as much as I can, but I need to organize the shore leaves and supervise the supplies coming onboard and repairs and all, so I'll be pretty busy, but I'll do what I can and make sure your work gets done so you don't have to worry about that. Come on, let's get some dinner and finish up the reports so you can get to bed early, you'll have to get up earlier tomorrow."

"Great, something else I hate!" Kathryn groused as they left for the mess hall.

The beep of the comm system woke Janeway from a sound sleep. At first she just tried to ignore it, but it wouldn't go away. She lifted her head a few centimeters off the pillow, all she was capable of, and croaked, "Janeway here." She glanced at her bedside chronometer and added, "It's 0 dark forty five and, unless the ship is under attack, you're on report for the rest of your life. Now, what do you want?"

The cheerful voice greeted her, "Good morning, Captain Janeway, Ma'am, this is Crewman Chell, I was wondering where you were? Mr. Neelix said you would personally be taking over the mess hall for the next three days, Ma'am. It's 0445 and I've been waiting here for you for fifteen minutes, to start breakfast."

"Breakfast isn't until 0600, Crewman!" she moaned as her head fell back into the pillow.

"Uh, yes, Captain, but you have to cook it. Replicators went offline overnight, we have to cook everything."

Kathryn sat up and threw her pillow across the room. "Fine, just get started and I'll be there as soon as I can."

Chell stammered, "Well, I can't, Captain, Ma'am, I don't have the code to get into the mess hall, Neelix wouldn't give it to me. You know, …I like snacks, well… I snack sometimes, too often in fact, the doctor says I…"

"All right, Chell, stand by and I'll be there as soon as I can. Janeway out!"

Kathryn threw the bedcovers onto the floor, dragged herself to the sonic shower and prayed for some magic. There was none and she emerged from her bathroom just as bedraggled as when she went in. With replicators offline, she rummaged through her bureau for all the components to her uniform and managed to find everything except the proper socks; civilian ones would have to do, who would know? Kathryn grinned as she slipped on the socks, pink with little flying pigs, that Phoebe had given to her to remind her of her sister's favorite answer to when she would stop ribbing Kathryn about drinking too much coffee. She picked her hairbrush up off the bureau and, as she did, her pips fell to the floor, bouncing and scattering in four directions. She started to crawl around on all fours to look for them, found two, gave up, ran the brush through her hair twice, threw the two pips back, slammed on her comm badge and headed for the mess hall while grumbling that all Starfleet shirts should have the proper number of pips permanently attached.

"Good morning, Captain!" Chell greeted as he grinned broadly and handed her a PADD. "Here's the menu Neelix planned, we'll have to hurry to have it ready on time!"

"Uh, yes, thank you, Chell," Kathryn mumbled as she keyed in her override code and opened the mess hall. She raised the illumination level as Chell accompanied her to the kitchen and she read off Neelix's menu: "Eggs benedict, porridge, Vulcan shiladi, sausage, bacon, fresh baked blueberry muffins, fresh fruit platter, Talaxian klixini, fresh fruit juice, coffee and tea." Kathryn put the PADD aside as she asked Chell, "OK, Crewman, do you know how to make all that stuff? Where do we start?" Chell just grinned and handed her a frying pan as he shrugged his pudgy shoulders. "Chell, you do know how to cook, don't you?"

He looked down, "Not exactly, Captain, I'm better at eating. Neelix does the cooking, I just help him and do what he tells me, Ma'am."

Kathryn slapped the pan on the stove. "Oh great! Well, that menu just became a lot shorter, they're having scrambled eggs, porridge and toast… period! Chell, can you make coffee, please, and how does this stove turn on?"

"Here, Captain," he replied as he showed her the controls and got the fires going. "I'm sorry, Captain, Ma'am, but the replicators are offline, there's no coffee, Captain, Ma'am," Chell replied as he stepped back and held up a spatula to defend himself. "We do have tea, Ma'am, I'll get the kettle, do you uh… know how to boil water, Captain?"

"Yes, I can boil water!" she quipped as she slammed another pan on the stove. "Sorry, Chell. Well, what about the eggs, where are the eggs?" He went into the pantry and returned with a large container of red and yellow mottled orbs about the size of grapefruits. She picked one up. "These are eggs, what kind?"

Chell smiled again, "I don't know, Captain, Ma'am, just eggs, from the last planet, Ma'am. I'll get you a bowl to mix them in, Captain, Ma'am."

"Chell! Would you please stop with all the formality? For heaven's sake I don't bite… usually. Would you please just call me Captain, or Ma'am will do, but not both. Now, how many of these egg things should I cook?"

Chell grinned and shrugged his shoulders. He went back into the pantry and brought out the tub of dry porridge, a large pot to cook it in and placed them on the counter. "It takes a long time to cook, Neelix starts this first, Captain. Oh, here, you can use Neelix's apron so you don't get your uniform dirty, Ma'am."

Kathryn eyed the technicolor apron with disgust before she opted for practicality over fashion sense and slipped it on. Chell offered the matching chef's hat, but that was going too far, way too far, and she waved him off. He smiled broadly as he slipped on the chef's hat that Neelix would never ever let him wear. "All right, Chell, does anything go in the porridge besides the dry mix and water?" Chell again grinned and shrugged his shoulders, a gesture Kathryn figured she'd have to get used to. "OK, just the stuff and water then, what's the ratio?" This time Chell scratched his head before he shrugged his shoulders and grinned. Kathryn filled the pot half way with water, dumped in some dry porridge, stirred it and decided it looked too watery so she added more porridge mix. "OK, Chell, please put this on to cook and let's see about these eggs. How long does the porridge need to cook for?"

"Until it's done, Ma'am," Chell replied as he put the pot on the stove and went to get water started for tea. He fetched a bowl for Kathryn to mix the eggs in, but she decided that it would save time if she just mixed the eggs in the same pan she was going to cook them in. She took one of the huge eggs and delicately tapped it on the side of the skillet. Nothing happened, so she tapped it harder. Still nothing happened, so Kathryn slammed the egg down much harder on the edge of the skillet, which flipped it off the counter and sent it flying into Chell, causing him to drop the kettle of water for tea onto the floor.

"Oops, sorry, Chell, are you OK?" He grinned, nodded, picked up the pan, handed it to her and went for the mop. "I really am sorry, do you have any idea how to open these blasted eggs? I swear, they're harder than neutronium!" Chell set his mop aside and fetched her a small kitchen cutting phaser gadget. "Thank you," Kathryn replied as she picked up the egg, activated the cutter and pressed it to the shell. The egg began to vibrate and rumble before it exploded orange slimy goo all over Kathryn, Chell and the kitchen.

Chell handed her a towel and took the cutter from her. "Setting too high, Captain, try it now. I'll go get more water for tea and clean up, Ma'am."

Kathryn and Chell managed to get the kitchen cleaned up and started back to work on breakfast. The porridge was bubbling away as Kathryn finally got the eggs opened into the skillet and discovered it was going to take considerable elbow grease to get them to scramble as they seemed determined to stay separate from one another. Chell set out the trays and eating utensils. He went to get Neelix's power whisk, but thought better of it as he only had one clean uniform left, and hid it behind some baking pans.

Chell handed Kathryn a sturdier spatula as he suggested, "It's almost 0600, Captain, perhaps you should make the toast now and I'll stir the eggs? Luckily Neelix replicated a lot of sliced bread before the replicators went offline. Um… you do know how to make toast, Captain?"

She laughed and gave him a pat on the back as she turned the eggs over to him. "Of course I can make toast, Chell! Try some elbow grease on those eggs, that should do the trick and get them mixed." Chell smiled, put down his spatula and headed for the door. "Chell, where are you going?"

"To engineering, Captain Janeway, Ma'am."

It was her turn to grin and shake her head. "What the devil for?"

"Elbow grease, Ma'am. We don't have any in the kitchen and I heard Lieutenant Torres say they need lots of elbow grease down in engineering, so I figure she'll have some." He smiled broadly and puffed out his chest, "I'm not as dumb as people think, Captain Janeway!"

Kathryn bit her tongue to keep from laughing. "Chell, elbow grease is an expression, it means hard work, it's not a real thing. I just meant, if you put some effort into mixing the eggs, it should help." Chell grinned as he looked down and scratched. Kathryn bit her lip harder. "Um, Crewman Chell, please don't scratch yourself when you're working around food, especially uh… there, it's unsanitary. Go sanitize your hands and hurry back."

Chakotay entered the mess hall, went to the kitchen and looked behind the counter for Kathryn. He couldn't hide his silly grin at the sight of her in Neelix's apron as he said, "There you are, it's quarter after and there's quite a crowd of hungry people out there, need any help?"

She handed him the fire extinguisher and fanned away the smoke. "Thank heavens you're here, yes, I need help! Put that down and go stir the porridge and see if you can get the lumps out!" Kathryn retuned to laying out bread slices on a tray. "We had a little fire, seems the toaster doesn't like me and, oh, be careful, the floor is wet and slippery because we had a little accident with the tea kettle and wipe that grin off your face, Commander!"

"Yes, Captain," he replied as he peered down into the porridge. "Uh, there's a little problem with the porridge, the spoon won't come out."

"What!" Kathryn gasped as she joined him at the stove. "Oh no, I must have not put enough water in it or cooked it too long or something, but too late now! Can you just get a phaser and see if you can cut it into slices or something… maybe carve it into some chunks that look like muffins?" She turned to Chell, "Keep chopping at those eggs, maybe they'll separate better, and see if you can fluff them!" He nodded and did his best with the rubbery orange mass in the pan.

Kathryn managed to get her second batch of toast out and into the warmer before she had cremated it. Chakotay cut the porridge into squares as best he could and piled them into a warming tray. He took Kathryn into the pantry, gave her a hug and pushed her hair back from her face. "Eww, what's this sticky stuff in your hair?"

She reached up and tried to wipe it away. "I had a little accident with an egg, it exploded on me… well, me, Chell and the kitchen. It's a long story, I'll tell you later. Can you please go tell Chell to let them in and help me serve? Oh, and please tell him it's unsanitary and not polite to scratch… down there when he's working. I'd tell you I saved you something special, but there is nothing special. Oh, I made such a mess of everything, I'm so sorry!"

Chakotay gave her another gentle hug before they left the pantry. "It's OK, Kathryn, I know you did your best, they'll understand. I have to be on the bridge at lunch, but I can help you with dinner and I'll have a word with Chell in private about not scratching his privates."

Kathryn pasted a smile on her face as the crew streamed in for breakfast. Everyone knew the captain had lost a bet with Neelix and would have to prepare and serve the meals for three days. Having frequently heard Chakotay say nice things about her cooking, they thought they would be in for a real treat; Captain Janeway was an old fashioned farm girl, surely she was also a good cook.

Within five minutes the entire crew knew the truth; Captain Janeway was an infinitely worse cook than Neelix and Chakotay was undoubtedly in love with her and a good liar. The food smelled bad, looked awful and tasted even worse; the replicators were offline and they were all going to die! As Tom Paris held out his tray, Chell put a slice of burnt toast on it, Chakotay dropped a chunk of porridge down and Kathryn smiled as she heaped two spoonfuls of rubbery orange eggs on and said, "Here you go, Mr. Paris, since you were kind enough to remind Neelix of what I said, you get double portions for the next three days and I want to see a clean tray, Mister!"

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied as he turned, swallowed hard and saw his life flash before his eyes.

When the last of the crew left the mess hall, which didn't take long, Janeway turned to Chakotay and smiled. "Well, that didn't turn out so badly, I didn't hear one complaint!"

He grinned and rubbed his chin. "You're the captain, if they complain they know you can throw them in the brig or send them out to clean the hull without a spacesuit! Well, if you and Chell can handle things, I'm going to go down to engineering and see what I can do to try to get the replicators back online. I'm sorry I can't help you wash all those trays and pots and pans, but I'll be here to help you with dinner."

"Wash?" Kathryn asked as she absentmindedly picked eggs out of her hair.

"Well, yeah, you'll have to wash them by hand in the sink, the system's offline you know."

Kathryn sank into a chair and rubbed her temples. "Oh, I guess you're right. Do me a favor and, if anyone even looks at you cockeyed today, put them on report and send them up here for dishwashing detail."

He gave her a pat on the back before he turned to leave. "Aye aye, Captain! Captain…, Kathryn, where are your pips? Don't tell me they fell in the food and some poor soul just ate them!"

She laughed as she herded him out the door, "No, as early as I had to get up and as tired as I was, just be thankful I didn't show up in my nightgown! I dropped them in my bedroom and, with only one eye open, I couldn't find them all; I'll look for them later."

He waggled his eyebrows and whispered, "Gee, Kathryn, maybe if you'd shown up in that pretty pink nightgown you have, nobody would have even noticed the food!" as he dashed out to avoid her swat.

When Kathryn and Chell finished up the breakfast dishes, she only had about an hour to spare before it was time to start lunch, so she went to the bridge and went through her daily reports. Neelix was obviously enjoying his stay on the planet and was happy to report that the pergium ore and other raw materials would be ready for transport by 1500 the next day, however the food would not be ready to be transported until another twenty-four hours after that. B'Elanna reported that the samples of the various ores received revealed that they would be suitable, however they were in a very raw state and would require significant processing, which meant it would most likely be at least five days before she could hope to start bringing the replicator systems back online.

Kathryn stopped to have a word with Tuvok on the bridge on her way back to the mess hall. "How are things coming along, Tuvok?"

"Quite well, Captain. With your permission, I believe this would be an excellent opportunity to take the various tactical systems offline and recalibrate them."

"I agree, do it." She took him aside and whispered, "Uh, Tuvok, you wouldn't happen to know how to cook, would you?"

"I regret, Captain, but I do not, as my wife always prepares the meals in our home."

"Oh well, it was worth a try!" Kathryn smiled. "Very well, you have the bridge, carry on, I'll see you at lunch."

"I think not, Captain," Tuvok replied as he stiffened, "The recalibrations will require my presence on the bridge and I… I am undergoing a period of fasting to… cleanse my colon. The doctor has impressed upon me the importance of a healthy colon and I have been negligent in such matters as of late and thought it best to attend to them promptly, Captain."

"Of course, Tuvok," she replied as she patted him on the arm and left for the mess hall. Perhaps it was true that Vulcans didn't lie, but they could certainly come awfully close!

Lunch actually turned out a little better than breakfast. There was leftover soup Neelix had prepared which only needed to be heated up and Kathryn turned the large quantity of leftover scrambled eggs into something that passed for a rubbery gelatinous orange egg salad and made sandwiches. Squares of the leftover porridge were topped with cheese and toasted, however there were no takers, save for Chell, who Kathryn now surmised, would eat just about anything and lots of it. Clean up was also easier as Janeway snagged the services of the hapless crewman who had the misfortune to deliver a fresh fire extinguisher to the mess hall. Satisfied that Tuvok was handling the bridge and Chakotay and B'Elanna had engineering under control, Kathryn snuck away to her quarters for a quick afternoon nap before dinner.

As the sound of a voice coming from her living room awoke Kathryn from a sound sleep, she rolled over and called out, "Huh, what, who's there?" in her groggy state.

"It's Chakotay, you didn't answer your door, so I let myself in, sorry. Are you OK, are you decent, may I come in your room?"

"Uh huh," Kathryn mumbled as she put a pillow over her face and her body begged her for a few more minutes of sleep. She pushed the pillow aside and cracked open one eye. "On second thought, there's nothing decent about me, go away and don't wake me until we get back to the Alpha Quadrant, OK?"

"Oh come on, it's not that bad and I'm here to help you with dinner. You're doing just fine so far, I just talked to the doc and nobody's dead yet."

"He was wrong, I am!" she moaned as she firmly clamped the pillow over her head and pulled up the covers. "What's so funny?" Kathryn asked as Chakotay started laughing hysterically.

He started tickling her feet as he raised the illuminations level and tried to get her out of bed. "You are, those socks are ridiculous, Kathryn, I ought to put you on report… pink flying pigs?" He clasped her ankle firmly and started tickling her foot in earnest. "Ah ha, you're not only cute, you're ticklish!"

Kathryn threw her pillow at Chakotay, started struggling to get her foot away from him and laughed uncontrollably as they tussled and ended up together on the floor, tangled in the bedcovers. She pulled the sheet off her face and laughed as she relented and fell against his chest. "I'll have you know my sister gave me those socks. OK, I'm awake, happy now?"

He put his arms around her and teased, "Yes, Kathryn, very, you know I've always wanted to get you in bed."

She got to her feet and tossed the pillow at him, "When pigs fly! Well, Chakotay, my reputation is safe, I believe you just got me **out** of bed!"

He threw the pillow back at her. "I never was very good with prepositions! Kathryn, all your bedcovers and pillows are on the floor, so it counts! Hurry up and get ready, we don't have much time before the hungry masses descend and want to be fed. I'll wait in the other room."

Kathryn pulled herself together and had a good laugh as she pulled her boots on over the pink flying pig socks and all the trouble they had just caused her. She once again rooted around for the errant pips, but gave up, reasoning everyone knew she was the captain and, considering said captain was now the ship's cook, really didn't deserve to wear them anyhow.

Chakotay hurried her along on the short trip to the mess hall. "Did you check Neelix's menu, what was he planning on serving tonight?"

"I don't know, I deleted them, no sense in getting the crew's hopes up and, anyway, his menus were based on having a functional replicator. I guess we'll just have to rummage around the pantry and see what you can come up with."

"Me? May I remind the captain that **SHE** is the mess hall officer?" he said as he intentionally bumped into her hip.

"No, you may not, Commander!" Kathryn replied as she returned the gesture. They entered the pantry and looked around. "Well, we have plenty of leola roots, what can you do with them?"

"Throw them out the nearest airlock?" He replied as he dug through the meager assortment of foodstuffs until Chell's hurried arrival interrupted them. "Chell, nice of you to join us, what's your excuse for being late, Crewman?" Chakotay demanded as Chell did his best to stand at attention and suck his considerable belly in.

"Captain, Ma'am, Commander, Sir, I'm sorry, some of the crew stopped me and I couldn't get away from them, Ma'am, Sir."

Neelix apparently had no problem with Chell's habitual tardiness and sloppiness, but Chakotay had little patience for it. "Crewman, unless they were physically restraining you, that's no excuse… and your uniform is a mess, Mister!"

Chell couldn't keep his belly sucked in anymore and it once again billowed out to test the limits of Starfleet fabric. "I'm sorry, Sir, but Captain Janeway blew up an egg all over me this morning, Sir, … the clothing refreshers are offline. The crew was trying to get me to do something, they wouldn't let me go, Sir, uh, they, uh…" he leaned over and whispered something to Chakotay and grinned.

"Very well, carry on, Crewman, but if I hear of you being late again, you're on report. Get the stove going and set out the trays and utensils."

"Aye, aye. Sorry, Sir," Chell replied as he toddled off, proudly slipped on the chef's hat and got to work.

Kathryn led Chakotay back into the pantry as she said, "Besides the leolas, we don't have a lot. There's a bunch of vegetable looking things in the cooler, I don't have the slightest idea what they are, a lot of Starfleet's excuse for repli-cheese, plenty of bread, some containers of that awful purplish goo he served the other night and some packs of what I think is some kind of desiccated reptile meat; well, there's a picture that looks like a lizard on the front, but I can't read this alien writing. What on Earth are we going to do with that and what was it Chell whispered to you?"

"Nothing, Kathryn. OK, let me think for a minute, we'll come up with something."

She planted her hands on her hips, "Don't tell me nothing, what did he say? I know you, you don't take excuses, but you got off his case, so it must have been a good one, what did he say?"

"Well, a bunch of the crew, no, I mean just a few, one or two maybe, were trying to get him to, well… OK, Kathryn, they wanted him to find a way to get rid of you. I mean, not kill you or anything, just keep you out of the kitchen, sort of, kind of…" he trailed off into a grin. "And just how did you manage to blow up an egg? I didn't know they exploded and do we really want Neelix to have access to anything that explodes or, worse yet, Chell?"

"Long story! Well, we have all this reptile meat and lots of leolas, so how about we make some kind of hash?"

Chakotay rubbed his chin, "I don't know about that, Kathryn, you know what cadets call hash at the academy cafeteria! We have plenty of this pseudo-cheese crap, if there's more eggs and dried milk, I could try for cheese soufflés?" He opened the cooler and looked at the assortment of Delta Quadrant vegetables. "I haven't the slightest idea what most of these are either, but I suppose we should cook some of them too?"

Kathryn grabbed a bowl and started heaping vegetables into it. "That's fine, we'll just put cheese on them, that was Mom's favorite trick to get my sister and I to eat our vegetables. You carry out a load of leolas and I'll make hash, it's getting late and we have to feed them something! If I just chuck leolas and the meat into the grinder, that's hash, isn't it? I mean, there isn't exactly a recipe for hash, is there?"

"I suppose it's hash, although I'm sure some seasonings might help!" Chakotay replied. "Does Chell know how to operate the grinder?"

"Probably not, seems he can't even pee unless Neelix tells him how! Tell me, how did the mess operate on your ship?"

Chakotay thought for a moment and laughed. "My mess hall was run by a Klingon named Khalok, he was about twice my size and ten times meaner and he just handed out ration packs and they ate them without a complaint! We didn't have anything like this, we just had ration packs."

Kathryn dumped down her bowl. "Ration packs, that's it! I'll just put some of them out and we won't have to bother cooking!"

Chakotay picked the bowl back up and took it to the sink. "No fair, the bet was you'd have to do Neelix's job for three days and the only time he serves ration packs is when there's nothing in the pantry and the replicators are offline. OK, I admit ration packs might be preferable to lizard-leola hash, but they're for emergencies and I don't recall the captain declaring one!"

"Yet!" Kathryn added.

/\ EMH to Captain Janeway, EMH to Captain Janeway/\

Kathryn rolled over in bed and tried to ignore the comm system, but the doctor wouldn't go away, so she finally yelled. "Janeway here, and it's 03 something or other and I'm asleep and have to get up in a little more than an hour, so put yourself on report and go away! Whatever it is, call Mr. Kim on the bridge or I'll deal with it in the morning!"

/\ Captain, I am very sorry to disturb you, but we have a medical emergency situation and regulations require that I inform you. Can you please report to sickbay immediately? I would prefer not to discuss it over the com system, Captain. /\

"Damn!" Kathryn cursed under her breath as she threw her pillow across the room.

/\ What was that, Captain/\

"Uh, Ma'am, I said call me Ma'am. I'll be right there, Janeway out." Kathryn went into the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face, cringing at the haggard sleep deprived creature that looked back at her from the mirror. She headed for the door and was almost three meters out into the corridor before she realized that going to sickbay in her underwear probably wasn't such a good idea. Kathryn rummaged around in the pile of clothes on her bedroom floor and finally managed to find a pullover and pair of pants, but her left boot and both her slippers eluded her, so she decided to just give up and get to sickbay as quickly as possible.

When Kathryn walked into sickbay she was horrified to find at least twenty people there, most of whom were either retching into pans or praying for a swift and merciful death. She looked at Tom, but all he could do was point towards the doctor's office before he made a desperate but unsuccessful attempt to get a basin in front of a crewman before she vomited on the floor.

Janeway rushed to the doctor's office and found him working at his computer. "Forgive me, Doctor, this does most certainly look like a medical emergency. Can you tell me what's going on?"

He made a few more entries and looked up from his desk. "Ah, Captain, so nice of you to join us, **MA'AM**! Everyone you see here reported within the last hour and all of them have exactly the same symptoms; they're puking their proverbial guts out."

She took a seat and rubbed her temple. "I can see that, Doctor! Do you know why they're sick? Is it serious?"

"I know exactly why they're sick; every single one of them ate your salamander stew for dinner!"

"It was hash, Doctor."

"Food poisoning by any other name!" The EMH reached into a drawer, retrieved a package and slammed it onto his desk. "I take it you used this to prepare your hash from hell?"

"Well, yes, it was the only meat I could find. I had no idea reptile meat would make anyone sick, I know we've eaten it before, Doctor. Neelix had it in the pantry so I assumed it was safe to use."

The Doctor shoved the package towards her. "Didn't you read the label?"

Kathryn laughed, "Doctor, I don't even know what language this is in, how could I read it? It was in the pantry and it had a picture of a lizard of some sort on the front and looked like desiccated meat, so that's what I assumed it was. I reconstituted it, ground it with leola roots, cooked it and served it."

"Captain, the label is in Talaxian, a language which is in our data base and a good number of the crew can now read, by the way. This is not lizard meat, it is meat for lizards. Pet food, Captain Janeway, you fed your crew pet food!"

She put her hand to her mouth and swallowed hard. "I had no idea!"

"Well, it seems Mr. Neelix had some brilliant scheme to hatch some of those Alakkian reptile eggs he traded for, raise the babies and keep them as pets to produce eggs. As it turned out, the eggs he had weren't fertile and he obviously decided to store the food he intended to feed his pet lizards in the galley. Knowing Neelix, I fear that the crew eventually would have had to eat it anyhow. Unfortunately, the lizard food is essentially made of Talaxian mammoth nanixix guts, which are loaded with bacteria that is quite nasty on the Human digestive system, and obviously you did not cook the stuff to a high enough temperature to kill the bacteria. Were there leftovers?

"Yes, quite a lot, actually, but I'll dispose of them of course."

"No need, if you are careful to heat them to above 80ºC, they will be quite safe to eat."

"Doctor, it was bad enough yesterday, but I'm pretty sure nobody is going to want to eat it now. What about the crew, you said they'll be all right?"

"Yes, once they've rid themselves of the 'Ptomaineway Plague', as they're calling it, they should be fine and most of them will be fit for duty by noon. It only affected Humans and apparently, the more one ate, the sicker they got, so those who gave up after only a bite or two were undoubtedly doubly blessed. I expect to be able to send everyone back to their quarters within an hour or so; it's symptomatically quite nasty, but easy enough to treat once they've purged themselves of the contaminant. You might want to prepare something bland for them, some broth or gruel would do nicely or leola roots are actually excellent for a bland diet as well. Captain, do I take it you didn't eat any of your own creation?"

"Uh, no, I don't really care for hash, thank goodness. Well, if there's nothing more, I'd like to try to get a little sleep, Doctor." Kathryn leaned across the desk and quietly asked, "Uh, Doctor, does the crew know exactly why they're sick?"

"I would assume so, Captain. Well, I didn't personally tell them, but Mr. Paris knows so…"

Janeway waved her hand and turned to leave, "I get the picture, I'll carry a phaser! Thank you, Doctor, and I really am very very sorry to have caused the crew so much grief, I hope they'll be able to forgive me."

"When pigs fly!" The EMH replied as he sat back in his chair and smiled.

"Excuse me, Doctor?"

"Nice socks, Captain!"

"Uh, well, I was in a hurry, Doctor, you did say it was an emergency."

"Of course."

Kathryn cursed and mumbled all the way back to her quarters, mad at the doctor for his smug surly attitude and even madder at herself for giving him a good reason to have it. She really felt awful about what she had done to so many of her crew and hoped to find some way to redeem herself, however she was relatively certain she wouldn't be able to do it in the mess hall. She was also grateful her hash was so awful she couldn't eat any of it. Chakotay's cheese soufflés didn't turn out to well due to the alien eggs, but at least they were edible.

Kathryn peeled her clothes off, threw them on the floor and dove into the jumble of sheets and blankets on the bed. She rolled one way and then the other, trying to get comfortable in the mess that pretended to be her bed. When sleep finally came to her, she rolled over on her stomach, landing sharply on the boot she couldn't find earlier, and awoke to send it flying across the room along with several choice words.

"Argh!" Chakotay screamed as the boot struck him soundly in the groin. "I know you're not a morning person, but do you have to throw things at me, Kathryn? You may be glad the stuff you just hit works some day, you know!"

Kathryn looked up, shrieked and fumbled for the sheet to cover herself. "What the hell are you doing here? Chakotay, I'm not dressed!"

"I can see that, Kathryn," he chuckled as he enjoyed the brief glimpse he got of Kathryn in her Starfleet skivvies. There was nothing sexy about Starfleet underwear, but there was something very sexy about the woman that was in it. "And a good morning to you too. I'm here to wake you for breakfast, remember? You said you wanted to be sure you were on time this morning and, as usual, you didn't answer your door. I checked, your door chime was disabled."

"I wonder how that could have happened?" Kathryn mused as she tried to will herself to full consciousness. "Chakotay, I just got back from sickbay, I need more sleep, please?"

He rushed to the bed and sat beside her. "Sickbay, are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Well, with three or four more hours of sleep, I would be fine. The doc called me down there, seems we have a little epidemic of food poisoning on our hands, thanks to my hash." Kathryn sank back down into her bed, clamped a pillow over her head and mumbled, "Oh, Chakotay, I poisoned my crew!!"

He pulled her up and put his arms around her. "Kathryn, I'm sure you didn't mean to. Is it serious?"

"Thank heavens, no, they'll all be fine. That stuff I thought was lizard meat was actually pet food and it made them sick. Oh, I didn't know, but I feel just awful about what I did, it could have been much more serious!"

He gently hugged her and smoothed her hair. "Kathryn, you didn't know, I didn't know either, who would have thought Neelix had something that wasn't safe to eat on the shelf in the pantry? Come on, get up and take a shower and we'll go fix them a nice breakfast, OK?"

"Oh, gods, I'm so tired! OK, can you hand me my robe?"

Chakotay looked around, "Uh, where is it?"

Kathryn sifted through the mess on the bed and tossed out a couple PADDs. "Good question! Oh, never mind!" she sighed as she wrapped a sheet around herself. "Can you please see if you can find me enough to wear while I'm in the shower?"

She was gone before Chakotay could answer, so he took it to mean he had her permission to go through her bureau and closet as he assumed everything strewn about the bed and floor was dirty. When he heard that the shower had stopped he gently rapped on the door. "Kathryn, I couldn't find everything, but here's a uniform and pullover. Uh, where do you keep your underwear?"

"Top left drawer," came through the bathroom door.

"Kathryn, it's empty, both top drawers are empty in fact."

"Figures, I'm out of everything until they get the clothing refreshers back online, I'll try to wash out some things today. Look in the bottom right drawer, there's civilian clothes in there, should be some underwear and look for some socks too, please."

Chakotay laughed, "Oh yeah, you've got civilian underwear in here all right, but I can't find any socks. Oh, which underwear do you want, the satiny pink stuff or this really pretty lacy white or…?"

"I don't care, just quit messing with my underwear, leave the pile of clothes by the door and wait in the other room please! Do you see my boots?"

"Well, I sure know where one of them is, I think I'll have a bruise to remember it by! I put your clothes in front of the bathroom door, I'll go look for your boots and put them on that mess you call a bed, if I can find them, and wait in the other room. Hurry up!"

"Thanks!" Kathryn replied as she cracked open the door, slid her arm out and grabbed the pile of clothes. She hastily got dressed, opting for a ponytail rather than the time it would take to do her hair properly and figured make up wouldn't help much, so she skipped that too.

As she walked into the living room Chakotay laughed. "Now I've seen it all! You're using you hair dryer to dry those ridiculous pig socks?"

"Well, I had no choice, I don't have any clean ones and couldn't even find any dirty Starfleet socks in all that mess, so I had to rinse these out in the sink… better than getting blisters. Did you find my com badge or pips?"

"No, you didn't ask me to look for them, so I just found your boots and left them on the bed. You want me to look for them?"

"Don't bother," she replied as she finished drying her socks, threw the hair dryer on the bureau, slipped on the socks and her boots and found the jacket she'd had on earlier and slapped on her comm badge. "OK, I'm ready to go. What are you smiling about?"

"Oh, nothing," Chakotay replied as he kept staring at her and smiling.

She started rapidly checking herself out, "What… is there a hole in my pants or something, do I have toothpaste on my face, toilet paper stuck to my boot, is some hair sticking up weird? What? WHAT?"

"Well, I know what you have on under that uniform, Kathryn, and how pretty and satiny pink it is! Maybe this would be a good time for a uniform inspection, that is my job, isn't it?"

"You! You know damn well you can't personally inspects a female's undergarments, it would be totally unfair to do any uniform inspections with replicators and recyclers offline and, if you say one more word, I'll have your head on a platter… or….I'll make you eat some of that leftover hash! I also happen to know for a fact that you also wear non-regulation underwear."

"I do not, Kathryn!"

"You do too!"

Chakotay put his hands on her shoulders and grinned at her. "And, just how would you know that, Captain, or are you just trying to get in my pants?"

"You! Once, when you were in sickbay, probably after crashing yet another of my shuttles, the doctor gave me your clothes to take back to your quarters. They were filthy so I, being so kind and thoughtful, put them in the recycler for you and I happened to notice your shorts were very nice but, shall we say, not exactly regulation."

"Oh," Chakotay grinned. "Well, at least you didn't put me on report for it. I am wearing regulation shorts today, wanna see?"

"When pigs fly, Chakotay! C'mon, we have breakfast to prepare, let's get going."

"Aye aye Captain, after you."

Chell was waiting in front of the mess hall for them, so they went in and got to work. Kathryn grabbed the leftover hash and all Neelix's lizard food and disposed of them first thing before she mustered her mess hall troops. "All right, gentlemen, the doctor suggested that I prepare something bland for breakfast and lunch, so I suppose porridge and dry toast would be a good choices?"

Chakotay nodded in agreement. "OK, I'll see if I can whip up some French toast for the more able bodied stomachs. Chell, we do have eggs, powdered milk and bread, right?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll get them and put water on for tea. Uh, Captain, I heard what happened. I'm sorry, Ma'am, I can't read Talaxian, I didn't know either. I just thought it was something Neelix was saving for some special occasion as he has a habit of stashing special things away. I ate the hash and didn't get sick, Ma'am."

"Thank you, Chell. You're lucky, apparently it only made Humans ill." Kathryn's face brightened, "So, you liked my hash?"

"Uh, well, Captain, Ma'am… would you look at the time? I'd better get those things for Commander Chakotay! I'll be right back. Permission to go to the lavatory, Commander?"

"Granted, but hurry up. Diplomatic, isn't he?" Chakotay laughed as he got the stove going.

"I wouldn't go that far. The man's an idiot, what exactly did he do on your ship?"

"Not much, in the Maquis we had to take every warm body we could get. He cleaned up, did odd jobs and he… he ate a lot, but people liked him. Let's get the porridge going, I would suggest using about half as much dry mix as you did yesterday. Get the bread for toast laid out and I'll carry in a pot of water for you and see what's keeping Chell."

Breakfast didn't turn out all too badly, except for the looks Kathryn got from her ailing crewmen as she did her best to be pleasant and serve them their breakfasts. If she thought she was the master of the "death glare", she now knew she was sadly mistaken. There were still a few who weren't feeling up to coming to the mess hall, so Chell kindly took trays to their cabins and made sure everyone knew it was not he who had poisoned them.

Kathryn and Chakotay washed the breakfast trays in the back room of the kitchen as Chell wiped off the tables and cleaned the floor in the mess hall. Chakotay dumped another stack of trays in the sink as he said, "This is the last of them. Kathryn, I'm sorry, but I have to get up to the bridge, Doc gave Tom the day off as he was up all night, so I have to get up there. You can probably take off until 1500, but one of us should be there when they start transporting the ore up from the planet. What are you going to do about lunch?"

"Oh gods! I'm so tired I can hardly stand and you know Chell is no help! I have no idea what to fix for lunch, I don't know how to cook! By time I get all this stuff dry it'll be time to start lunch and I really need a nap, especially since we don't have any coffee. Oh damn!"

Chakotay checked to see Chell was busy and wrapped his arms around Kathryn. "Look, assuming Chell can tell fruits from vegetables, why don't you just chop up a bunch of vegetables, grab some Talaxian tomatoes from the airponics bay and make a pot of soup? It'll be good for everyone who was sick and there's jelly and plenty of bread, so you can just sit it out and let people make their own sandwiches. Put the soup on now and leave Chell to stir it and maybe you can go grab a quick nap. Assuming the ore is all transported without problems, I'll send Tom to the bridge and I can help you with dinner."

Kathryn smiled and grabbed a towel to dry the trays. "Thanks for the hug, I needed that! I hate to do it, but I'm just going to heat up that leftover purple goo Neelix made for dinner. It was terrible, but we really can't afford to waste food. Maybe we can come up with a nice dessert for them to make amends?"

"OK, before I go I'll have a look around and see if I can think of any ideas. We do have powdered milk and eggs, so I could make some sort custard at least. See if you or Chell can find any vanilla or something to flavor it with."

Kathryn looked towards Neelix's spice shelf and rolled her eyes as she put away a stack of forks. "All the containers are labeled in Talaxian or not at all; I don't think I want to take the chance of feeding the crew anything from up there, do you?"

Chakotay looked through the containers, taking the lids off a few to sniff the contents. "Eww, I see your point, none of this smells like it's edible and, whatever this one is, I think it's moving! Plain custard will be fine. You and Chell do your best with lunch and I'll be here as soon as I can to help with dinner."

Kathryn went back to washing the last of the trays. "OK, but can you write down the recipe for vegetable soup before you go? I've never really made soup from scratch before, so I could use a little help."

"Kathryn, there really isn't a recipe for vegetable soup, you just put whatever vegetables you have and some water in a pot and simmer it for a couple hours, that's all. Didn't your mother ever make homemade vegetable soup?"

Kathryn thought as a warm smile came to her face. "Oh yes, Mother was a wonderful cook, she'd spend hours in the kitchen making the most heavenly meals! Unfortunately, the kitchen was the last room in the house I wanted to be in, so I would spend hours anywhere else but there. My mother's replicator had a wicked side and hated me too, so I stayed away. I know about eating soup, not making it!"

"Well, little Katie Janeway, it's about time you learned how to cook, so check the recipes in the database and give it your best shot. Cooking is very relaxing and it's fun and certainly easier to do than flying a starship!"

"Good, Chakotay, then why don't you stay here and finish up the dishes and cook and I'll go up to the bridge and fly the nice shiny starship?"

Chakotay grabbed Kathryn and dragged her back to the sink. "Oh, no! I'm not the one that lost a bet with Neelix, little Katie, you are and you're going to do the cooking; it won't kill you."

"It's not me I'm worried about killing, Chakotay, and don't call me Katie, it's… insubordinate!"

Chakotay pulled up Kathryn's pant leg and checked out her socks. "As long as you're wearing those ridiculous socks and don't want to be put on report for it, and we won't even get into what your pretty little non-regulation underwear looks like, I'll call you Katie. Make you a deal, learn how to cook and I'll go back to calling you Kathryn again. Deal?"

Kathryn threw a handful of suds at him and gave him a good humph. "No way, you just keep your mouth shut about my underwear and socks and only address me as Captain Janeway, thank you very much!"

"When pigs fly!" Chakotay shouted as he ran from the mess hall.

"Pigs can fly?" Chell asked as he entered the kitchen and deposited a tray of errant cups and utensils that he had found scattered around the mess hall into the sink. "I thought pigs were ground dwelling Terran mammals that are good with barbeque sauce, Captain?"

She gave him a look of disgust at more things to wash. "They are. Apparently Commander Chakotay has a rather colorful imagination! It's an old Earth expression, Crewman, it means that something is highly unlikely to occur or to be true. Chell, can you please bring out some vegetables and see to washing these things while I get started on lunch? I thought some vegetable soup would be just the thing!"

"The thing… for what, Captain?"

"Uh, for lunch, Crewman, it's an expression. I meant that the crew might like to have vegetable soup for lunch, don't you agree?"

"Well, that's not what I heard the crew saying they wanted, Ma'am, but I'm sure it's a better idea. Do you know how to make vegetable soup, Captain Janeway?"

"Well, not exactly, but I'll look it up. Chell, what did the crew say they'd like to have for lunch? I feel bad about making them sick last night, so ,if I can, I'll make them exactly what they do want."

Chell quickly grabbed some vegetables from the cooler and carried them to the counter. "Never mind, Captain Ma'am, we don't have any anyhow and I heard Commander Chakotay tell Neelix he'd rip his spotted little snarglies off and make him eat them if he ever served carrots again, Ma'am. I'll get out Neelix's big soup pot and bring it right out, Ma'am."

"Chakotay said that? Chell, wait, carrots? The crew wants carrots for lunch? I know we don't have any real carrots, but do any of these vegetables taste like carrots?"

"No, Ma'am. Please, I'm sure I heard it wrong anyhow. It didn't make sense and you I get things all confused sometimes. Would you like navalocks, leola roots, Rantian nip-nips or blagrots for the soup, Captain, Ma'am?"

Kathryn grabbed the bundle of furry yellow nip-nips from Chell and asked, "Crewman, out with it, what exactly did the crew say they wanted for lunch? I'll look up the recipe, fix it and surprise them! Don't worry about Commander Chakotay, he won't even be here for lunch. Trust me, Crewman Chell, I can handle Chakotay."

Chell grinned knowingly as he picked nip-nip fur off his apron. "I'm sure you can, Captain, everyone says you can do that real good, Ma'am. Well, it sounded like they said they wanted carrot tops head on a platter, Ma'am. I must've heard wrong, you aren't supposed to eat the tops of carrots, are you? Carrots are vegetables, so they don't have heads, do they? If you want, we can dye some leola roots orange and tell everyone they're carrots. Neelix does that all the time, dyes leolas and then says it's something else! Oops!" Chell mumbled as he chewed on his fingers, realizing he had just given away one of Neelix's best kept culinary secrets.

"Carrot top's head on a platter!" Kathryn shrieked.

"Yes, Captain, that's what they said, Ma'am. Do you want me to go get some orange coloring and the big platter?"

Kathryn dumped out the rest of the vegetables Chell had placed on the counter and started chopping them with a vengeance. "No, Chell, just go down to airponics and bring me about a dozen large tomatoes, will you?"

"Yes, Ma'am, Captain Janeway, Ma'am," Chell replied as he grabbed a bowl and ran. He didn't like the look in Janeway's eyes and that, coupled with the large knife she was wielding, was just too much for him.

After dinner had been served Chell was only too happy to volunteer to clean up by himself and shoo Janeway and Chakotay away as he was more afraid of Janeway now than he had ever been. Kathryn was so tired that she didn't feel the least bit guilty and happily headed to her quarters with Chakotay and his promise of a massage and a special surprise he had for her.

Kathryn toed off her boots, tossed her jacket aside and flopped down on her sofa as Chakotay worked on something in her galley. "Oh, Chakotay, I don't know what hurts worse, my head, my feet, my lower back or my pride! I never did get to take a nap today, I'm so tired. I hate to admit this, but I have a lot more respect now for Neelix, that he's able to do this day in and day out and you never hear him complain. What are you doing in there?"

"Patience, Kathryn, put your feet up and relax, here's a cold cloth for your head." He gave it to her with a smile and returned to her kitchen.

She leaned back, propped her feet up on the back of the couch and placed the cloth over her forehead. "Thank you, this feels much better. Chakotay, what does the crew call me behind my back?"

"What do you mean? Everyone calls you Captain Janeway except for me. I'm sorry about the Katie thing earlier, I won't call you that again if you don't like it. You told me your family calls you that, so I thought you wouldn't mind and I was just teasing. I didn't mean to upset you or be disrespectful and I would never call you Katie in front of the crew."

It's OK," she sighed. "Well, actually I wish you wouldn't call me Katie, it's just a family thing. What I meant was, does the crew have any nicknames for me, nasty ones I mean? I'm sure they do, every captain I have ever served under got called something not so nice behind their back. It's pretty much SOP."

"Here," Chakotay said as he handed her a cup of tea and a ration pack and joined her on the sofa. "I used a phaser to heat up some water for tea and I decided to appropriate a couple emergency rations packs for us. Kathryn, as far as I know, nobody calls you anything but Captain Janeway. What brought this on? You didn't hear that bun of steel thing, did you?"

Kathryn took several sips of her tea, sat it on the end table and laid back down, placing her feet in Chakotay's lap. "Well, it was something Chell overheard and I know about the bun of steel jokes. Chell didn't understand, but he said the crew wanted 'carrot top's head on a platter'. He thought they were talking about food, but I'm pretty sure they weren't. OK, I can understand why the crew might be a tad miffed at me right now. Chakotay, does the crew call me 'carrot top', is that my secret code name or something? Oh, and did you really tell Neelix you'd rip his balls off if he ever served carrots again?"

Chakotay laughed as he slipped off the flying pig socks, wrapped his hands around Kathryn's feet and started massaging them. "Kathryn, I give you my word, I have never heard anyone refer to you as carrot top. If I did, I assure you I would deal with it appropriately. Technician Sandoval called you a bitch in a bun once, I'm sure you know about that incident, and I dealt with it. If anyone uses any disrespectful nicknames, they don't do it in front of me as they know I wouldn't tolerate it. I'm sure, if they in fact call you carrot top, it's used in an affectionate way as you do have lovely auburn hair you know! Anyhow, Neelix has orange-ish hair, so carrot top could mean him, couldn't it? You know we'd be the last two people on the ship the crew would let on to any nicknames. As for that threat to Neelix, I didn't specifically say 'balls', but there may be a bit of truth to that, I'm afraid. I was just teasing and meant it in an affectionate way."

Kathryn giggled, "Chakotay, there's nothing affectionate about threatening to rip a man's balls off, granted in Neelix's case it might be thought of as a public service. I still think the carrot top thing was about me; you know as well as I do the crew has at least a dozen nicknames for Neelix and that isn't one of them. Oh, I never thought I'd say this, but this emergency ration pack is delicious and my notion to yell at you for stealing them is long gone! My soup didn't turn out too well, did it?"

"I wouldn't know, Kathryn, I had to see to the ore transport, so I had to skip lunch and snuck an emergency ration pack. Don't worry, when replicators are back online I'll replace everything I stole and only you and I know about it and I made sure the ration packs are secure so the crew can't get into them. I'm sure you did your best and dinner was Neelix's leftover Jibalian Jambalaya, so that wasn't your fault, and I think it actually tasted a little better the second time around and some people actually ate the custard, even if they thought it was supposed to be orange gelatin. I did hear your soup at lunch was green and a little stringy, if that makes sense."

"Yes, unfortunately it does. I asked Chell to get me tomatoes and that idiot brought me green ones as that's all we had. We eat fried green tomatoes at home, so I figured green ones would be OK in the soup, but apparently not, and I had no idea you're supposed to peel the fur off those knick knack things before you cook them."

Chakotay laughed. "OK, now I know what… someone meant when they said your soup was like an Orion drain clog. Yes, you definitely have to peel nip-nips before you cook them. That's not hair, it's a bitter fungus that grows on the rind as a defense mechanism to make them unpalatable to animals and insects. They're sort of the Rantian version of armor plated yellow squash."

Kathryn downed the last of her emergency ration meal. "I know that now. Chell told me Neelix always peels them first, but I already had them boiling in the pot by time he got back with the tomatoes, so I was hoping people would think the stringy things were just noodles. Chakotay, if you hate carrots so much, why didn't you tell me? I know I've replicated Mom's recipe for orange glazed carrots for you several times and you've always eaten them and said they were good. If you hate carrots enough that you threatened Neelix with bodily harm if he ever served them again, why didn't you tell me?"

Chakotay gave her left foot another good squeeze and kissed the top of her big toe, sending Kathryn into a fit of giggles. "That's simple, Kathryn, I'm not that fond of Neelix, but you, on the other hand, I'm quite fond of. I know you try so hard when you fix dinner for me, so I didn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you I didn't like one of your mother's recipes. Truth be known, I don't care for carrots… and I really like discovering how ticklish you are! How about another cup of tea?" Chakotay asked as he gave her foot another tickle and a little kiss.

"Chakotay, nobody's ever kissed my big toe before! Stop it, it tickles! Yes, I'd like more tea, thank you. Please tell me the next time I fix something for you that you don't like, I don't want you eating something you don't like just to be polite and you don't have to be shy about it. I know I'm not a good cook and I know there's things you really really hate, like carrots, so just tell me, OK?"

"OK. Kathryn, I can tell you're really tired, so why don't you go change into your night clothes and lie down on the bed so you're comfortable and I'll give you a massage. I'm really tired too; you managed a nap today but I didn't and I got up earlier than you did. If I don't give you that back rub soon, I may fall asleep. Oh, and before you try to protest, I took care of everything today. There are no problems and nothing needs your captainly attention unless you feel you want to check up on me or go down to the cargo hold and look at a pile of supplies and ore."

Kathryn struggled to her feet, rubbing at the ache in the small of her back from being on her feet all day. "No problem, I stopped checking up on you years ago and, if I want to look at a big pile of mess, I can do that in my bedroom. My back is killing me, I don't think I realized until the last few days that I basically spend most of my day sitting down and don't do much physical activity or work out like I should and I'm getting old."

"Stop that, Kathryn, you are not getting old! You work hard, it's just that you're not used to working in the mess hall and that's a different kind of work, that's all. Look on the bright side, tomorrow is the last day you have to ever set foot in the galley!"

Kathryn smiled into her cup as she finished the last of her tea. "Somehow, I think the crew will be even happier about that than I'll be. Hand me my socks, please, so I can rinse them out and they'll be dry by tomorrow morning. I don't have any clean socks and that'll be easier than digging through all that mess in there to find two socks." Chakotay retrieved the fuzzy flying pig socks and handed them to her with a grin. Kathryn jammed her hands on her hips. "Don't even say it, my sister gave them to me and they're my favorite socks and much more comfortable than those thin things Starfleet qualifies as regulation socks. If you must know, I have a lot of trouble with my feet and I wear non-reg socks most of the time because they're more comfortable."

He snatched the socks back from her. "OK, that I can see, I don't happen to be a fan of Starfleet socks either. So tell me, do all your non-reg socks have little flying piggies on them and are your cute little toenails always non-regulation pink?"

Kathryn snatched the socks back and headed for her bedroom. "No, sometimes my toenails are red, when I have the time to paint them! These are my only silly socks, but they are my favorites and it's not like the replicator can make more just like these! I wear them every once in awhile when I'm really missing home… or when I run out of black socks and they're all that's left. When we get home you can meet my sister and she'll tell you the story behind my flying pigs socks and you'll understand everything, OK? Give me a minute and then I hope you can make my back feel better; it's killing me!"

Chakotay tidied up the living and kitchen areas as Kathryn got ready for bed and they continued their conversation between the two rooms. "Just one of the many services a good first officer provides, Kathryn! I give massages, provide wake up calls, cover for you when you take a nap on duty, keep the crew out of your hair, turn a blind eye to your non-regulation socks, underwear and toe nail polish and I generally make your burdens lighter, worship you from afar and I'm your devoted minion and slave. Oh, yeah, and I can fly a starship, cook and make bathtubs and good coffee too!"

The next morning Kathryn awoke, glanced at the chronometer and realized she had three blessed minutes to go before the wretched thing blasted her out of her bed. Somehow Kathryn had an uncanny ability to awake several minutes before the chronometer went off most days, regardless of when she had set it to awaken her. She rationalized this was due to her supreme conviction that she was not a morning person and, if she awoke before the alarm went off, it was really her "choice" to get up at 0400 and not the computer's. She also knew this was a load of crap, but, like coffee, it offered a short term fix from the drudgery of quotidian life in the Delta Quadrant.

For that remaining two minutes and twenty seconds Kathryn tried to imagine herself back at home, in her bedroom in her childhood home in Indiana. Her bedroom windows faced west and were shaded by a large redbud tree, so she didn't have to deal with the sun trying to rouse her from sleeping late, one of her favorite indulgences. Kathryn was usually so worn out from working eighteen hour days that, when she was able to go home for a vacation, her family never made any attempt to get her out of bed before noon as they knew she needed the sleep. One minute thirty nine seconds to go. Kathryn realized she felt remarkably well rested for only having had about ten hours of sleep in the last three nights. Her body was relaxed and nothing hurt, if only it would stay that way all day!

She imagined her bed at home, with a mattress much softer than Starfleet standard issue, and sheets and pillows that were much softer too. Pillows, you could never have too many of them and why, oh why, didn't she think to bring along a couple from home? Kathryn loved to heap piles of comforters and quilts on her bed in the winter, partially for the memories all the old family quilts provided of the ancestors that had made them, but mostly for the feeling of warmth and the supreme security all that weight on top of her provided.

Weight? Wait a minute, she wasn't home, she was on Voyager and only had her standard issue sheet, blanket and bedspread. The afghan she sometimes heaped on the bed was on the back of the sofa. As Kathryn pushed against the weight on top of her and tried to make sure of exactly where she was, the alarm went off and removed any doubt that she was on Voyager, it was 0400, she was in the Delta Quadrant and she had to go make breakfast. She tried to throw the bedcovers to the side as her bladder was reminding her how much tea she had had the night before, but her body wasn't budging. Kathryn screamed a rather colorful string of words to shut off the alarm and, for the first time in her life, the alarm sought revenge and tried to smother her with a pillow.

She screamed and struggled against the demons that must have been chasing her from her sleep… until they fell off the bed, dragging all the bedcovers with them, landed on the floor with a resounding thud and started to groan. Wait a minute, Starfleet sheets may give you a rash, but they don't groan. "Computer, full illumination. Chakotay! What are you doing down there?"

He thrashed around incoherently to extricate himself from the bedcovers. "Huh, what, Kathryn, what are you doing here?"

"Me? This is my room, what are you doing on the floor wrapped up in my blanket?"

Chakotay finally got free of the blanket, looked around and grinned. "This **is** your room, Kathryn, but what am I doing here? I don't remember getting up, hell, I don't even remember going to bed!"

Kathryn jumped up from the bed and put her robe on. "Good question! Did you come in here to wake me up, were you sleepwalking or what?"

He rubbed his head and switched to rubbing his hip as the pain of landing on it started to set in. "No, I was asleep, I was dreaming about… well, I was dreaming." He got to his feet and sat on the edge of the bed, still disoriented. "Oh, Kathryn, now I remember, I was giving you a backrub, I think I must have fallen asleep, I'm so sorry! You were telling me about all the antique quilts on your bed at home and I was telling you about the blankets my mother and grandmother wove and that's the last thing I remember." Chakotay stood and looked down apologetically. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn, we must have both fallen asleep, I didn't intend for it to happen."

Kathryn rubbed her temple as she gathered her clothes. "Yes, I remember that. Oh my gods, Chakotay, we slept together!"

Chakotay stopped her and made her look at him. "Kathryn, I suppose technically we did in the platonic sense, but I'm wearing my uniform, I'm sure nothing happened, we just fell asleep because we were both so tired, that's all. I assure you I didn't intend for it to happen and you know I would never try to take advantage of you. I didn't do anything or touch you or something, did I?"

Kathryn rubbed his arm and smiled. "Of course not, I didn't even know you were here until the damn alarm went off. Well, I was aware of weight on top of me, but I thought it was all my quilts at home, that's what I was dreaming about. I think it's exactly like you said and we were so exhausted we just fell asleep." She glanced at the chronometer. "Oh, gosh, it's getting late, go home and get ready, we have people to feed and I don't want Chell complaining about me being late again. I'll see you in fifteen minutes."

As Kathryn reached to press the chime on Chakotay's door, it slid open before she had the chance. "Good, you're ready," Chakotay greeted as they started for the turbo lift for the short trip to the mess hall. "I hope we beat Chell there, there's nothing worse than being later than the least punctual person on the ship."

"Agreed," Kathryn said, "I can't stand him, he's so bright and cheerful in the morning it makes me nauseous; he's like a big blue Cheshire cat! Speaking of nausea, what shall we fix for breakfast?"

Chakotay pouted, "What do you mean, Kathryn? I'm always cheerful in the morning! I'm a morning person, you know that, and you happen to be a night person, that's all. Do I make you nauseous on the mornings we eat together?"

"Of course not, you get me off to a good start! Chakotay, are you limping?" Kathryn asked as the turbolift doors slid open.

He rubbed his thigh as he stepped in behind her. "A little, my left hip is really sore and you should see the bruise."

"Chakotay, maybe you should go see the doctor? I can get started without you. You might have hurt yourself worse then you think. I'm sorry if it was my fault."

"I'm sure it wasn't and I don't think I want to go to sickbay and tell the doc I hurt myself because I fell out of the captain's bed," he smirked.

She gave him a swat as they exited the turbolift. "You! You could say you fell out of your own bed or slipped in the shower or something, you know. Oh, geez, there's Chell waiting. OK, what do we fix for breakfast?"

"I don't know, how about pancakes?"

"Sounds like too much work," Kathryn replied as she gave him a wicked grin, looked at Chell and tapped her chin with her index finger. She leaned into Chakotay and whispered, "I wonder if Bolians taste like bacon?"

"Kathryn!" he chastised as they were almost in earshot of Chell. "Good morning, Crewman Chell, nice to see you on time this morning."

Chell puffed out his punctual chest and stepped aside as Kathryn opened the mess hall. "Good morning, Commander and Captain Janeway, Ma'am. We should have a smaller crowd this morning, I checked and forty one people are on the planet for shore leave and three more people signed up for the doctor's colon cleansing program after dinner last night."

Kathryn grimaced, "Oh, so how many does that make now?"

"Twenty-four I believe, Captain, Ma'am," Chell replied as he shook his head. "Voluntarily fasting, have you ever heard of anything so barbaric?"

Kathryn shook her head and rolled her eyes. "No, never. OK, Chell, what do you suggest we fix this morning?"

"Breakfast, Ma'am," he replied as he turned on the stove, put the trays out and went to get a kettle of water for tea as Chakotay checked out the pantry.

"Kathryn, with so few people, let's make some pancakes, we have everything we need and how about we make some hash browns? There's onions and I think leola roots would double for potatoes and we can make them nice and crispy like my mother used to. I love hash browns, don't you?"

"Well, yes, I do, but somehow I don't think they'll be the same with leola roots; they taste like crap no matter what you do with them. OK, why don't you get me started on the pancakes and you go ahead with the hash browns and Chell can make some toast and put out whatever fruit we have? I've made pancakes from replicated batter before, but never from scratch or on a stove like that fire breathing contraption."

Chakotay assigned the peeling and grating for the hash browns to Chell as he assembled the ingredients for pancake batter and got Kathryn going. "Just stir it up good until it's like a thick milkshake; add more milk if you need to thin it. I've got to get the hash browns going, it'll take that much awhile to cook and you really need to start making pancakes and getting them into the warmer. Chell put the griddle on the stove for you, be sure to grease it first."

"Aye aye, Commander," Kathryn replied as she did her best to beat the pancake batter into submission. Unfortunately, the alien reptile eggs had a tendency to want to retain their gelatinous nature and remain separate from any other ingredients. She finally gave up and asked Chell, "Does Neelix have some sort of power mixer or something? I know I've seen him using some sort of thing to whip up things nice and fluffy. Chell, do you know where it is?"

Chell shook his head. "Sorry, Captain, he's very fond of it, he hides it, so I don't know or maybe he keeps it is his quarters. Ma'am?" Chell placed a tray of sliced melon on the serving counter. "Permission to use the lavatory, Captain?"

"Granted," she replied. After Chell left Kathryn searched for the mixer she knew she'd seen as she spoke to Chakotay. "I know he's Bolian, but, I swear, he goes to the john twenty times a day and I think he ate a whole melon while he was slicing the rest to put on that tray. Did you have the same problem with him?"

"Yup, but you know how Bolians are and he's worse than any I've ever met. Neelix did have a power whisk, he must have it squirreled away around here somewhere. You're right and I've seen him using it too and it would make the pancake batter mix much better and the pancakes fluffier, so keep looking. A lot of the kitchen stuff is Neelix's personal property, so I can't really blame him for hiding it I guess."

Kathryn tore through the rack where Neelix stored the pots and pans and utensils, tossing things aside as she searched. "Oh well, this needed to be straightened up anyhow. Look, I found a big candy bar hidden in an old dented up pot! Chocolate, Chakotay, real chocolate! Well, real replicated chocolate… with nuts! Look, here's that whisk, it was hidden all the way in the back, behind a stack of pots and some baking pans." Kathryn showed Chakotay the whisk as she sat the chocolate bar on the counter and caressed its brightly colored wrapper.

Chakotay sat the leola root he was peeling down and tried to take the chocolate bar from Kathryn. "Kathryn, give me that! You can't eat it, I'm sure it's Neelix's."

She brandished the whisk and poked it at him. "Stay away, I found it, it's mine! It's chocolate, I need it!"

Chakotay countered her whisk with his vegetable peeler. "I'm armed too! Kathryn, you can't eat that; I'm sure it belongs to Neelix and he hid it to keep it away from Chell." He gave her his best holier than thou look, "Kathryn, if you ate it, that would be stealing!"

She held the candy bar up, smelled it and batted her lashes. "Yes, but, if I shared it with you, would it still be stealing? After all, this is my ship, isn't it, so the replicator and what comes out of it is mine, isn't it?"

"No, you can't rationalize it that way, it would still be stealing, Kathryn," Chakotay replied as his big brown eyes did their best to instill guilt in her. "And I'd have to report you."

"You wouldn't dare! Anyhow, out here you could only report me to me and somehow I'm pretty sure that report would get lost. OK, maybe you're right, but, this time of the month and considering all the stress I've been under in the last couple days and the coffee and sleep deprivation, it would be medicinal chocolate, Chakotay, it really really would!"

He smiled, "OK then, I see your point." As she returned his smile with a wicked little grin, Chakotay snatched the chocolate bar from Kathryn and tossed it on the top pantry shelf, where she couldn't possibly reach it. "Sorry, you know that wasn't yours. Besides, when Neelix discovered it missing, he would probably blame Chell for it and not you because we all know Captain Janeway wouldn't take anything that doesn't belong to her, don't we? Don't we?" Kathryn wasn't happy about it, but she saw Chakotay's point and dejectedly nodded. "That's better, Kathryn. Anyhow, technically the ship and replicators belong to Starfleet, so the candy really isn't yours. When the replicators are back online, I'll replicate you a candy bar, whatever kind you want, my treat. It's getting late, hurry up and get the pancakes going; with a griddle that small you can only cook six or eight at a time, so you had better get started." As Chell returned Chakotay greeted him, "It's about time, Crewman! Hurry up and set out the rest of the silverware, find me a bigger spatula and start making toast."

Chell smiled lamely and started placing the racks of silverware and stacks of cups on the serving counter as Chakotay dumped his batch of hash browns into the frying pan and placed them on the stove to cook.

Kathryn took another desperate glance at the candy bar on the top shelf, cursed her short stature that would never let her reach it and returned to her pancake batter. In her absence the gooey alien reptile eggs had once again separated from the rest of the ingredients and were holding the mixing spoon hostage. Kathryn pried it away from them, plunged Neelix's power whisk into the pancake batter and pushed the button. Nothing happened, so she removed it, turned the knob on top, plunged it back into the batter and pressed the button again. Still nothing happened, so she shook it a bit, twiddled with the knob on top and gave it a good thump.

Chakotay moved towards her, "Kathryn, I think you need to…"

FRAZZOOM! The power whisk whirred into action and immediately sprayed the pancake batter all over the mess hall, got away from Kathryn, plowed through the slices of melon on the serving counter and took off, spinning its way through the mess hall as Chell ducked for cover. "Oh shit, after it!" Kathryn screamed as she took off after the errant whisk. "Quick, Chell, after it! Chakotay, see if you can corner it!"

The three chased Neelix's power whisk and threw things at it, but it just chewed them up and went on, wreaking havoc throughout the dining room. It bounced off tables and chairs as it flew around the room at warp speed. Chakotay had it cornered in the back of the mess hall and lunged at it with his spatula, but the whisk dodged him and climbed the wall, hit the ceiling, bounced off and landed on a potted plant. Kathryn grabbed a chair and went at it, but the whisk bounced off the bottom of the chair and sought vengeance, shredding the next plant in the row. She tossed the chair aside and screamed, "Chell, get out from under that table, get something and stop that whisk!" Chell reluctantly crawled towards the kitchen, clamping a tray over his back for protection. He grabbed a mop and returned, but threw it aside and ducked for cover as the whisk came at him. Kathryn tore off her apron and dove at the whisk, as she screamed, "Chakotay, grab the mop and help me! I'm going to trap it, use the mop to beat it to death. Stop that damn thing before it chews up my ship, kill it!"

Kathryn threw the apron over the whisk. It spun and groaned as it tore the apron to shreds. "Quick, Chakotay, hit it, hit it with the mop!" Chakotay beat it with the mop until the whisk finally stopped spinning and fell to the floor, with most of its tines splayed out this way and that. He cautiously picked it up, removed the power cell and tossed the remains into the pile of leaves and branches that it had stripped from the row of potted plants. "Oops!" Kathryn offered as she did her best to smile. "Crewman Chell, are you all right?" she asked as he poked his head out from under a table, still wearing a bowl on his head and holding a metal serving tray in front of his chest as a shield.

Chell grinned. "Setting too high, Captain, Ma'am," he offered before ducking for cover again as he knew an irritated Janeway was far more dangerous than any mere crazed kitchen appliance. He peeked out from under the table again and reluctantly asked, "Captain Janeway, Ma'am, permission to…"

"Yes, yes, yes," she cut him off, "You may go the lavatory again, Chell."

He stood, blushing bright purple as he hung his head. "Captain, Ma'am, I don't need to use the lavatory anymore. I need to go to my quarters to uh… put on some clean dry pants, Captain, Ma'am."

She smiled apologetically at Chell, nodded her permission and shrugged her shoulders. Chakotay returned her smile as Chell quickly ducked out of the mess hall, "As I was saying, Kathryn, you need to make sure it's on the low setting and increase the speed gradually. Well, let's see what we can do about cleaning this up and…" Chakotay was interrupted by the fire alarm and the automatic fire suppression system going off. "Oh no!" he screamed as he ran for the stove, grabbed the smoking pan of hash browns, threw it in the sink and shut off the fire alarm.

Kathryn ran after him and surveyed the damage. "Oh shit!" she said as she coughed and grabbed a tray to fan away the smoke. They and the kitchen and serving areas, from floor to ceiling, were covered in orange pancake batter and green melon bits from the whisk's rampage. The dining room was in disarray as well and the remnants of the mess hall's potted plants were strewn throughout the room, giving the impression of a salad bar gone super nova. "Chakotay, we only have fifteen minutes, what are we going to do? The mess hall is… well, it's a mess! Look what I did, breakfast is ruined!"

Chakotay grabbed a rag to wipe the debris from the kitchen counter. "No it's not, we'll figure out something. Let's start cleaning up and wait for Chell to get back and I'll think of something."

Chell came back in, surveyed the mess and shook his head as he scooped a glob of pancake batter off a table and ate it. Chakotay gave him a dirty look. "Chell, I'm glad you're back, quit eating and please get started cleaning up the dining room on the double, Crewman! OK, Kathryn, the hash browns, pancakes and fruit are ruined, but we can still make some toast and it looks like the tea is OK. Why don't you go see if there's more fruit and we can always do scrambled eggs real fast. Hurry up, we don't have a lot of time." He took a good look at her and laughed. "Oh, and you might want to hose yourself off, you're quite a sight, Kathryn."

She reached up and realized her hair was full of orange pancake batter and green melon bits as she used a towel to try to wipe off her uniform. "No time now, I'll wash it after breakfast. OK, let's get toast going, we have to feed them something!"

Thanks to Chell, who didn't want to be personally blamed for the mess, smell or sparse offerings at breakfast, the entire crew soon knew of Janeway's little fiasco with Neelix's power whisk. The mess hall itself also bore witness, there had been no time to clean the sticky orange and green mess off the walls, windows and ceiling. Occasionally gravity brought a glob of pancake batter and melon bits down off the ceiling onto those unlucky enough to be sitting near the kitchen area. The row of large flower pots with nothing more than upright stalks in them now also served as a gentle reminder as the crew tried to reassure themselves by rejoicing in the fact that Neelix would be back the next day. His demeanor was annoying and his cooking often bad, but it was nothing like what they had had to swallow in the last two days. Unlike Janeway, Neelix did not have the power to put anyone on report for complaining about his ineptitude, which was yet another reason to like the furry little Talaxian.

As the last of the crew fled the mess hall, Chakotay took Kathryn aside. "I still have a few minutes, Harry is on the bridge and said he'd stay late, so why don't you run to your quarters and get cleaned up and I'll do the dishes?"

Kathryn looked down and scraped a glob of pancake batter off her com badge. "I suppose I should, but I don't have a clean uniform except for my dress uniform and I really don't think I should mess that up as I might have to go down to the planet and would need something to wear. B'Elanna said it would probably be at least a week before she has all the replicators and recyclers back online. Lunch, what am I going to do about lunch?"

Chakotay shooed her towards the door. "Go on, hurry up and change, I'll look around and see if I can come up with any ideas for lunch. Just wear civilian clothes, it's not like anyone will care. Cheer up, Kathryn, two more meals and you'll never have to do this again."

That thought cheered up Kathryn considerably as she returned to her quarters, showered the mess off and changed into some old clothes. She did her best to wash her uniform out and hung it to dry, wondering what she and the rest of the crew would be reduced to wearing if B'Elanna were right that it would take a week before the replicators were back online. Certainly some sort of arrangements would have to be made in the meantime, so Kathryn made a mental note to ask Vorik to look into it as he was good at that sort of thing and probably not as busy as B'Elanna.

As Kathryn entered the mess hall she noticed the smoky smell leftover from the burnt hash browns had been replaced by a wonderful sweet aroma. Chell was up on an antigrav platform scraping pancake batter and melon bits off the ceiling and into a bowl as she asked, "Where is Commander Chakotay and what's that wonderful smell?"

Chell descended and smiled. "Captain, Commander Chakotay said to tell you he had to go down to engineering. Some problem with the transporters, Ma'am, but he said he would take care of it and report to you later." Chell took the mass of glop he had scraped off the ceiling, dumped it into a pan and tamped it down as he explained, "I am making melon cakes, Captain, Ma'am. That's what smells so good." Chell opened the oven and proudly showed off his creation as he put the second one in. "No sense wasting food, Ma'am."

Kathryn put her hand on her hip and scratched her head. "Chell, you're baking that mess you just scraped off the ceiling?" He grinned and nodded his head. "Crewman, granted it smells good, but it doesn't strike me as very sanitary, scraping stuff off the ceiling and cooking it."

Chell licked his fingers, grabbed a spatula and started scraping the mess off the windows. "Neelix does it all the time, Captain. He says it's OK because cooking sterilizes anything that spilled. Well, usually it's something off the counters or the floor, but I think the ceiling would be the same, wouldn't it?" Chell scraped a big glob off the window and proffered it. "Here, taste, Captain Janeway, Ma'am, it's really good… colorful too!"

She shook her head and went to the sink. "No thanks, I'm trying to lose a little weight, so I think I'll skip dessert. Chell, let's keep the recipe for your melon cakes a secret, shall we?"

"Yes, Ma'am, that's what Neelix does. Well, Neelix adds the word surprise to whatever spilled. You know, like Ocampan spore pod surprise, only the surprise is that it spilled." Chell blushed bright purple as he giggled. "If it didn't spill it would just be regular Ocampan spore pods."

"Good to know," Janeway replied as she shook her head in disbelief, thinking back to whatever day it was last week she ate the Talaxian leola-mushroom surprise and wondered exactly where it had been before she ate it.

"Oh, Commander Chakotay said to tell you he got all the trays washed, but not dried, and you should make pasta salad for lunch."

Kathryn scratched her head again. "Pasta salad, how in the devil should I do that?"

"He didn't tell me that part, Ma'am. Permission to use the lavatory, Captain?"

"Granted, but hurry up, Chell!"

/\ Chakotay to Janeway. /\

Kathryn put down her cleaning rag and took a seat as she punched her comm badge. "Janeway here, I'm alone, so we can talk. Where are you, what's wrong?"

Chakotay grinned to himself as he sat at his desk. "Nothing, Kathryn. Does something have to be wrong for me to call you and say hello? I'm in my office and I just wanted to let you know that we just finished beaming up the last of the food from Talaman ahead of schedule and they're getting it squared away in the cargo bay and ready for the doctor's inspection. How are you? Tom brought me a slice of your cake from lunch and it was delicious; I was really impressed!"

Kathryn gasped, "You ate the cake? Didn't you get my message?"

"No, this is the first time today I've even had a chance to sit down, we had some problems with the transporters and then some of the antigravs malfunctioned, so we had to move a lot of the cargo by hand. I haven't had a chance to check my messages since this morning. Why, what was wrong with the cake?"

Kathryn rubbed her temples and stifled a laugh. "Uh, nothing."

"Don't give me that, Kathryn! What was wrong with the cake? Am I going to get sick and die? Kathryn, what was wrong with the cake?"

"Nothing. Chell made it, that's all. What did you hear about my lunch?"

"Uh, well, it didn't kill anyone as far as I know."

"That good? How does the food Neelix sent up look? Any chance of the doctor clearing it in time for me to have some of it to use for dinner? Coffee, Chakotay, was there any coffee?"

He laughed, "I know you so well, the heck with everything else, you just want to know if there's coffee! Well, unfortunately, the manifest has everything listed by the Talamani name, so unless you know their word for coffee, I can't tell you. We'll just have to wait for Neelix to get back to decode it." Chakotay picked up the PADD with the manifest, scrolled through it and read it off: "There's six cases of candinga berries, four cases of chenrucks, a barrel of extra crispy dwinki-lal, but no coffee listed. I'm sorry, but everything is sealed up and I didn't look through any of it and I haven't the foggiest idea what most of it is, so I can't tell you anything. Have you had a chance to take a nap today?"

Kathryn rested her chin on her fists. "Humph. I can tell you that food came from a guy who traded it for leola roots and prune wine, so I'm not getting my hopes up. No, no nap, Chell and I have been working our butts off trying to get the mess in here cleaned up. The carpet cleaner broke down before he'd finished and I didn't have the time or inclination to look at it, so I just sent him down to engineering with it to see if he can get someone there to look at it and fix it. It was worth it just to get rid of him for a while, he annoys the heck out of me. I'm almost done, I don't want Neelix to know what a mess I made of things, so I'm doing my best to clean up and destroy all the evidence. Chakotay, I know you're tired, but do you think you could help me with dinner?"

"Sure, that was part of my reason for calling, to tell you I'd be up as soon as I check in with Tuvok and make sure everything on the bridge is ship shape. Have you given any thoughts to dinner?"

"Yes, and I think I have a good idea! Can you give me an idea of how many people will be on shore leave, so I know how much to fix?"

Chakotay sorted through the PADDs on his desk and found the one he needed. "Yes, about forty people are on shore leave, four more are down there digging up and crating some plants for the airponics bay, so I doubt they'll be back, and three more people signed up for the doctor's colon cleanse thing. I think some people brought back food from the planet, so I wouldn't expect a big crowd. Oh, I have a little surprise for you after dinner!"

Kathryn's tired face brightened. "Oooh, what?"

"It's a surprise, Kathryn, so no wheedling."

"C'mon, don't I get a hint?"

"No, just that I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

Kathryn stood and got back to cleaning. "Chakotay, have I ever told you that you're incorrigible?"

He grinned as he leaned back in his chair. "Yes, you have, but I'm cute too, remember?"

"I don't ever remember telling you that you're cute, Commander!"

"I'm pretty sure you did, Captain."

"Well then, hurry up and get your cute self up here and help me with dinner, OK?"

"OK and, by the way, I think you're cute too! Chakotay out!"

Kathryn could only smile at his audacity as she found a spot of pancake batter on the back wall and scrubbed it off. Chakotay was cute, but unfortunately he knew it and knew how to use it to his advantage. Kathryn put her cleaning supplies aside and reached for her com badge to see what was keeping Chell. She thought better of it and, deciding that no help was better than his help, Kathryn started assembling the ingredients for dinner.

Chakotay entered the mess hall running and apologizing for his late arrival as Kathryn pulled two trays from the oven and sat them on the counter. She pushed back her hair and smiled proudly. "Well, what do you think?"

He poked at it, took a whiff and asked, "Uh, it looks good, Kathryn. What exactly is it?"

"It's a pizza, can't you tell?"

"Oh yes, of course, I was just teasing," he lied as he poked at it again. "How did you manage to make pizza? We didn't have any flour or tomato sauce or even fresh ripe tomatoes. What are these greenish blue things here on this one?"

"They're pickles. I found them in the cooler and sliced them up so they'd look like pepperonis and they do have a spicy aroma like pepperoni. I took some bread, mooshed it and smashed it flat for the crust, we had plenty of cheese and the sauce is ketchup. Here, let me get these two in the warmer and can you please put those two in the oven?

"Sure. Kathryn, where's Chell? Wait, let me guess, in the bathroom again?"

"No, he and the carpet cleaner haven't come back from engineering, but I like it better without him and could manage on my own, so I'm not calling him until just before 1800 and we really need him. Working with that man has certainly been an exercise in patience. I do hope you can find the time to have a little talk with him about personal hygiene sometime soon, he needs some improvement in that area. It's also been quite enlightening working with him as he's so dim witted he's given away all Neelix's dirty little secrets. Oh, for future reference, Neelix keeps the really good food hidden in the container on the bottom shelf of the pantry marked 'assorted questionable Kazon spores and fungi', any liquor he has is hidden in the air vent behind the dry goods shelf, Talaxian potage à la Neelix is what he calls the dish he makes when he cleans all the old food out of the refrigerator and don't ever eat anything that has the word surprise in its name, OK?"

"OK, but why?"

Kathryn smiled as she handed Chakotay a stack of trays to put out. "Trust me, you really don't want to know about the surprise part!"

As the first group of crewmen straggled in for dinner, Kathryn greeted each of them with a warm smile, in part to make up for the food, but largely because she was so happy she'd never have to serve them a meal again. Chell still wasn't back, so Chakotay dished up the stewed vegetable mixture as Kathryn proudly served slices of her pizza.

Harry gave her a polite smile as she placed a slice of pizza on his tray. "Um… looks good, Captain, uh, what is it?"

"It's pizza, Harry! You like pizza, don't you?"

"Oh, yes, Captain! It's just that I've been away from home for so long I guess I forgot what pizza looked like, that's all.

Harry and his friends sat at a table by the window, looked at their trays and then at each other. Harry took a big sip of water and spoke quietly, "Hey, Wasi, I thought you said a bunch of people from engineering would be here for dinner too right at 1800? We're the only people here and Janeway's staring right at us, we're gonna have to eat this shit."

"What do you expect me to do, Harry? You're right, she is staring and so is Chakotay. I never thought I'd say this, but boy will I be glad to see Neelix back here tomorrow."

"Me too!" Technician Watkins added. "His cooking is bad, but at least he never fed us tainted dog food. I swear, I'd never been so sick in my life! Harry, you're a bridge officer, can't you do anything?"

"Watkins, I'm an ensign, she doesn't exactly take orders from me and there's nothing I can do. Anyway, it wasn't dog food, it was lizard food, Tom told me. How come you didn't do what Lavek and Ferguson did and sign up for the doctor's colon cleansing thing? It gets you out of the mess hall and on Doc's good side too."

"Lizard food, oh, that's soooo much better than dog food! I did go to sign up for the colon thing, but I found out you have to actually fast and drink this stuff that's apparently worse than Janeway's cooking. Harry, she's staring, what are we going to do? Chell's not here, do you think he tried this first and it killed him?"

Harry looked up, giggled and spoke at a whisper. "No, B'Elanna told me, he pretended to break the carpet cleaner late this afternoon and she's pretending to fix it and they're both in engineering. Chell stole some peanut butter Neelix had hidden that Janeway didn't know about and some bread, hid it in the carpet cleaner and took it down to engineering. He and B'Elanna were selling sandwiches for thirty replicator rations each, but they ran out about an hour ago. Geez, Janeway is staring again! I love her like my mom, but she sure can't cook like Mom. I hate to say this, but we're going to have to eat something."

Ensign Donok'tok picked up her pizza, smelled it and sat it back down. "I'm starving, but I don't know if I can eat this. It's only twelve hours until Neelix's breakfast, I think I can hold out that long."

Harry, Wasi and Watkins gave her a pat on the back as Watkins reassured, "We'll just eat little bites and, as soon as someone else comes in and distracts her, we can dump our trays and get out of here. I think Chakotay made the vegetables, so maybe they aren't so bad?"

Harry nodded at Kathryn, ate a fork full of the vegetables and smiled. "No such luck, guys. The veggies are really nasty and sour tasting, imagine goat milk that's been out in the sun for about two days… on Vulcan. More bad news, the pizza won't stick to the bottom of the tables like the eggs and egg salad did, so we can't get rid of it that way." Since he already had his slice of pizza in his hands, Harry shrugged his shoulders, held his breath and took a bite. He chewed it slowly, swallowed and winced. "It's not that bad, guys, tastes kinda like ketchup on a stale cracker or maybe like some fries you find wedged down in the car seat a coupla days after you got them."

The rest of them picked up their pizza and dug in as Janeway watched and smiled. "It's real good, Captain!" Wasi said before he, Donok'tok and Harry stood, clutched their throats and fell to the floor gagging and screaming.

Janeway ran over and immediately punched her comm badge. "Janeway to sick bay, medical emergency in the mess hall, Doctor!"

The EMH materialized within seconds and started scanning. "Again? What did you poison them with this time, Captain? What happened?"

"Nothing, they were eating their pizza and this happened, I have no idea, Doctor. Watkins here ate it too and he's OK," She explained as Watkins cowered in his chair, waiting for the pizza to literally suck the breath out of him too. "Are they choking?"

"No." The EMH shook his head and gave them injections. Within a few seconds their symptoms subsided and they were able to sit up and gulp down glasses of water, begging for more. The doctor scanned the remains of the pizza and shook his head. "Chakotay, can you bring us more water, please? Congratulations, Captain Janeway, you've done it again!"

"Doctor, what could I have possibly done? It's pizza! I used bread, ketchup and cheese to make it and some pickle slices."

"Pickles you say?"

"Yes, pickles, and I'm sure there's nothing wrong with them, Chell snacks on them all the time and they were in a container in cold stasis that was clearly labeled pickles. Doctor, what happened? Mr. Kim, Crewman Wasipahnavi, Ensign Donko'tok, how are you feeling? I'm so sorry, are you all right?" They all nodded and kept drinking water as fast as Chakotay could pour it. "Doctor what happened?"

He looked down his nose at Janeway as she knelt by her crewmen. "Pickles you say? Nothing wrong with them? Chell eats them all the time? Humph! Those were pickles all right, Bolian pickles, and they are perfectly safe to eat as long as you have a cartilaginous tongue and a duranium clad esophagus. Unfortunately, for these poor non-Bolian souls, eating them was about the same thing as swallowing caustic molten lava. Don't worry, they'll be fine, but I suggest you don't let any non-Bolians eat your pickle pizza, Captain. I scanned the food, it's perfectly safe, except for the pickles… and the taste, no doubt. Crewman Watkins was lucky and opted for the pickle-less pizza."

"Oh my! I'm so sorry." Janeway looked up and saw about a dozen people filing into the mess hall and greeted them with a wave and a smile. They took one look at the doctor with three crewman sprawled out on the floor and immediately turned tail and ran. Kathryn rose to her feet. "Well, again my apologies. I'd better go and get rid of the rest of the pizza that has pickles on it. Doctor, are you sure they'll be all right?"

"Yes, Captain, they'll be just fine. It was painful, but no permanent damage. If you could, some glasses of reconstituted milk and plain slices of bread would be beneficial for them."

"Right away, doctor!" Kathryn got the bread and milk while Chakotay disposed of the pickle pizza. The doctor got his patients seated at the table and stayed with them to be sure they were fully recovered. Apparently Voyager's rumor mill was not working well as another group of crewmen soon came in, got their dinners and sat down., apparently unaware of what had just happened.

Tom and some friends sat at the table next to Harry's as he asked. "Psst, Harry, is it edible?"

"Technically, yes, but the green goo tastes like olives in sour milk and the pizza is about like stale toast with ketchup. Did you notice? All the leaves are gone off the potted plants, what do you want to bet that's the vegetable du jour?"

"Bet you five replicator rations!" Tom replied as they shook on it. "Doc, what are you doing here? You don't eat."

The EMH leaned back in his chair and smiled. "Never has a hologram been so glad that we don't need to eat! Don't worry, you may eat safely, I scanned the food and it's technically edible. If you ladies and gentlemen will forgive me, I see enough pain and suffering in my line of work, so I think I'll go back to sickbay and see if I can develop an antidote to the pizza." He waited for their reactions and smiled. "Just kidding, please enjoy the captain's cooking and relax; the next time you're in a Cardassian prison or stuck on some planet and forced to survive on bark and grubs it won't seem nearly so bad!"

"Thanks a lot, Doc!" Tom replied as he gave up and stood to leave. "Doc, I'm so light headed from hunger I think I'm dizzy. In fact, I think we all are, right, guys? Doc, don't you think you could order Janeway to break out the emergency rations… for medical and humanitarian reasons? Some of us have hardly had a thing to eat for three days, you know!"

The doctor scanned Tom briefly with his tricorder. "What, your girlfriend wouldn't let you in on the pilfered peanut butter gig? Mr. Paris, you are perfectly healthy and still have a tad more body fat than I'd like to see. Three meals a day are provided and it's not my problem if you don't like them. Food is food, Mr. Paris, and, regardless of taste, it will nourish your body. By all accounts Captain Janeway's cooking is awful and I am sure I will have to deal with Neelix's bloody beaten body when the crew seeks revenge upon him for this little stunt when he gets back, but I would like to remind you it was you, Mr. Paris, that pointed out to Janeway that she'd made a bet with Neelix. I spoke with Neelix, he didn't take her seriously and never expected her to do it until **YOU **brought it up and made issue of it. Of course, being the opportunistic little weasel that he is, Neelix jumped on the chance and ran with it once you gave it to him."

Harry slugged Tom on the shoulder. "He's right, you moron! I was there at that meeting, you're the one that brought it up and made us suffer three days of Captain Katie's Crappy Cuisine!"

Kathryn looked up and smiled at Chakotay. "It's so good to see them talking and joking and enjoying their food! Oh, Chakotay, do you think maybe I should make more pizza?"

"No, I wouldn't bother, I think once word gets around we won't have too many more people. Some of the people who went on shore leave today brought back some food, so I bet this is about it. What do you say we get Chell back here to clean up, get out of here early and try to salvage a little of the evening before we both collapse?"

"Great idea/\ Janeway to Chell. Janeway to Chell." /\

This is B'Elanna, Captain, Chell's comm badge is on his apron and he left it here. He's uh, he's… um repairing some plasma conduits in a Jeffries tube. Do you want me to go get him, Captain?"

"Plasma conduits? You let him near warp plasma? Lieutenant, surely you know he has no training, he's not authorized to…"

"Oh yes, Captain, of course. I meant he's just… helping, he hands Vorik the tools, that's all, he's a gopher. Don't worry, I'd never let Chell actually touch anything important down here. Do you want me to send him back, Captain?"

"Please, and have him bring back the carpet cleaner if you were able to repair it. The carpet in here really needs to be cleaned. Oh, and can you send another fire extinguisher too?"

"Yes, Captain. I've been working on the carpet cleaner all afternoon, but I was finally able to repair it… good as new, Ma'am! I'll send him right up."

"Thank you, Janeway out."

B'Elanna walked over to the Jeffries tube, opened the hatch, grabbed a large hyper spanner and whacked Chell on the soles of his big blue feet. "Time to get up, Janeway wants you back! Wake up, Chell, wake up!" He groaned and rolled over, so she whacked his feet again. "Chell, get your fat ass out of there, Janeway wants you back on the double. Don't make me get nasty!"

Chell slid out of the Jeffries tube, hopping on first one foot then the other. "Oh, I'm so tired! Ouch, that really hurt; there was no need to hit me. B'Elanna, if that wasn't getting nasty, what was it?"

"Love taps," she smirked, "Just ask Tom. Hurry up, Janeway wants you, the carpet cleaner and a new fire extinguisher in the mess hall ASAP! How could you be tired? You've been asleep for nearly three hours, Chell. Oh, and you owe me, I covered for you and told her you were helping Vorik fix plasma conduits, so I expect you to sneak Tom and me something decent to eat later."

Chell sat to put on his socks and shoes as he groused, "Another fire extinguisher? You know what that means, she had another little accident. I bet it'll take me an hour to clean it up. I owe you? Who stole the peanut butter and bread? You made a whole lot of replicator rations this afternoon off those sandwiches too, you know!"

She handed him a fresh fire extinguisher. "Yeah, and we would have made twice as much if someone I know didn't eat up half the profits. You work in the kitchen, you can eat all the food you want and you know where all the good stuff's hidden!"

Chell grabbed his apron and put it back on. "Are you kidding? Janeway watches me like a Tarkanian tatnitter, she's worse than Neelix, and Chakotay is even worse than she is. The only time I can sit down to rest or steal anything is when she and Chakotay sneak off into the pantry to make out." Chell shook his head and grinned. "I don't know why they bother, I'm the dumbest guy on the ship and even I know about those two!"

B'Elanna smiled, "Yeah, and they're cute together, aren't they?"

"Yeah, I guess so, but I didn't see a thing and you didn't hear anything from me!" Chell smiled from ear to ear as he scratched again and headed for the door, dragging the carpet cleaner behind him.

As Chell trudged into the mess hall Janeway got on his case right away. "Chell, it took you long enough! Chakotay and I had to prepare dinner all by ourselves. Put the carpet cleaner down, you can finish cleaning the carpets later. Clear all the tables, wipe them down, do the dishes, put the leftovers away and see what you can do about getting that pancake batter mess off the walls over there, I didn't have time. Oh, and make sure you throw it away, don't eat it or feed it to my crew. Oh, and I noticed there's a bunch of food stuck to the underside of the tables. I can't imagine how it got there, but see what you can do to clean it off. Chell, are you limping?"

He wiped his brow, "Yes, Captain, my feet hurt. Lieutenant Torres made me work so hard all afternoon… Chell do this… Chell move that… hurry up Chell, I need more tools…. Oh, Captain, I'm so tired!"

She gave him a pat on the back as she tossed her apron on the counter. "Well, cheer up, I'm turning in my apron and Neelix will be back tomorrow! I don't think anyone else will be showing up for dinner, so you can go once you've finished and get some rest. Thank you for all your help, Crewman Chell." She handed him the fry pan from Chakotay's little hash browns fiasco that morning. Oh, see if you can get this pan cleaned up, will you? I tried, but I couldn't. I'm sorry, but Commander Chakotay and I have a… um an important meeting we have to get to, so we have to leave now. Good evening, Chell."

He nodded politely and gave them a little bow as they headed for the door. "I'll take care of this right away! Good evening, Captain, Commander." When the doors slid shut Chell tossed the fry pan into the trash and shoved a slice of pizza in his mouth as he took a seat, kicked off his shoes and mumbled, "They're going to a meeting? Yeah, right! When pigs fly!"

Kathryn wiped her forehead with her sleeve, "Oh, Chakotay, I'm so glad that's over; what a nightmare! If I ever try to make a bet with Neelix again, please stun me before I can. In fact, if I ever make any sort of bet again and I don't have a pool cue in my hand at the time, send me straight to the brig. OK, what is this surprise you've been going on about all day?"

"You should know better than to ask, it's a surprise, Kathryn. OK, I want you to take a shower, change into some comfortable clean clothes and wait for me on the sofa and I'll be there in half an hour."

She rubbed him on the back and batted her lashes. "Don't I even get a hint?"

"Nope, no hints. What's your degree in, wheedling?"

"Quantum cosmology, you know that, and you know I don't like it when I don't know what's going on, so give me a hint."

He smiled as her hand slid down lower, to rub him on the hip. "And you know I like what you do to me when you want me to tell you what I know that you don't. Don't stop, Kathryn, I think I'm weakening."

She huffed and crossed her arms as the turbolift doors slid open. "No you're not, you just want another cheap thrill, that's all!"

"Who me?" Kathryn wasn't the only one good at lash batting. Chakotay stepped out and took off down the corridor ahead of her. "When pigs fly, Kathryn! I'll see you in half an hour."

Kathryn had no idea what Chakotay was up to as she knew he'd been busy all day, hadn't left the ship and the replicators and just about everything else was still offline. She also knew that she hated it when he was one up on her, but she saw no choice other than to do what he asked and hope for the best. She was dead tired from her three day stint running the mess hall and starving as, she had to admit, the food had been abysmal during her tenure as head chef.

Kathryn entered her quarters with nothing more than a long hot shower on her mind to wash off the mess hall grime and misery. She almost made it, but her sense of duty got the best of her, so she kicked off her shoes, grabbed her PADD, put her feet up on the desk and leaned back in her chair to check her messages. She scrolled through the list and found the number of things needing her attention to be remarkably small as Tuvok and Chakotay had attended to the myriad of mundane but necessary reports, memos and messages that she usually had to. Kathryn took a deep cleansing breath as she reflected upon the fact that two of the most dedicated and efficient officers that she had ever had the privilege to serve with also happened to be two of her dearest friends. She took another deep breath; one of her dearest friends also happened to be cute, cuddly, incredibly sexy and doted upon her as no one ever had.

"Chakotay! What? Oh no, I must have fallen asleep!" She tried to snatch her feet away from his mischievous fingers, "Quit that, stop tickling me, let go of me! Stop that and give me my socks back, my feet are cold!"

He finally had mercy, let go and tossed her socks to her. "Here Miss Flying Pigs, you're right, I shouldn't have tickled your feet. You were so out of it I got your socks off and you didn't even notice. If I hadn't tickled you, I wonder how much more of your clothes I could have gotten off of you? Kathryn, you had the biggest grin on your face when you were asleep, what were you dreaming about?"

"Nothing."

"Don't nothing me, you were dreaming, I could tell!"

"I forget."

Chakotay crossed his arms over his chest and stared her down. "You never forget anything, 'fess up, what had you smiling like that?"

"You, OK! I was dreaming about you!"

He moved behind her and started rubbing her shoulders. "And just what was I doing that gave you such a big smile, humm?"

Kathryn grabbed his hands and wrapped them around her shoulders. "Nothing, you were… you were just being you. OK, what's this big surprise you've been going on about all day?"

He tugged her up from her chair, punched up something on her PADD and handed it to her. "OK, I rearranged the schedule a bit and you and I both have the day off tomorrow and we can both take shore leave as well, if you'd like to go down to the planet. Now, go take a nice shower and change and I'm sure you'll feel much better and we can get on with your surprise and don't even ask about a hint."

Kathryn jammed her hands on her hips, gave him her best pouty look and stormed off to her bedroom. As soon as the lights came on, she screamed, ran back out and again jammed her hands on her hips, however this time her pout had been replaced with a cute little crooked smile. "Chakotay, my room, you cleaned up my room! Everything is put away and I can find my bed now and you even made it! You found my lost pips, there they are, all lined up on my bureau! Thank you so much, I don't think it's ever been so tidy in there!"

"You're welcome. I washed out a complete uniform for you too, including regulation socks, and it's hanging up in my bathroom. I'll bring it over as soon as it's dry. I talked to B'Elanna and it'll still be awhile before the replicators are online again, but Vorik is working on the clothing refreshers and thinks he can have them up and running in a day or two. You had a lot of dirty laundry and I put it all in the bottom of your closet, so be careful of avalanches when you open the door. OK, the day off and shore leave tomorrow was part one, your room was part two and you get part three after you shower and change. Go on, hurry up or you'll ruin it!"

Kathryn jumped up to give him a quick kiss before she ran off. Parts one and two had been wonderful and she just couldn't wait for part three. Voyager's hot water system had been reduced to only producing lukewarm at best due to the power rationing necessary to process the ore they'd beamed up, so Kathryn opted for a quick sonic shower as that was one system on the ship that was still working reasonably well. She hated sonic showers, but not as much as waiting for Chakotay's surprises, so it was a small sacrifice. She did take the time to wash out her treasured pink flying pig socks, dry them with the hairdryer and slip them back on, as she had no clean socks otherwise. Wanting to wear her only clean dress for shore leave the next day, she opted for baggy old sweatpants and a T shirt to wear for dinner since Chakotay was one of those blessed men that always told her she looked nice, no matter what she wore. Kathryn looked everywhere for her slippers, but couldn't find them, so she opened her bedroom door and stepped out to ask Chakotay where he had put them.

"Chakotay, where did you put my…. Oh my, look at all this. Chakotay, is that food, real food? Oh my gods, it is, it smells divine! Where did all this come from?"

Chakotay was taken off guard as he expected Kathryn to take longer and let him know before she came out. "Surprise! Hold on a sec, I wasn't finished yet." He reached into the small cargo transport container and placed a few more things on the table, then lit the candles. "OK, this is it, and I put your slippers under your night stand. Sit and I'll get them for you."

"No wonder I couldn't find them, I usually keep them under the bed. Chakotay, this is all so marvelous and smells heavenly, where did it come from?"

He returned with her slippers, knelt and slipped them on. "It's a shame to cover up these flying pig socks, Kathryn, I've gotten pretty fond of them. By the way, you do not keep your slippers under the bed, I found one in the bathroom and the other one under your desk and it was full of hairpins. The food came from Neelix, the Prelate's personal chef prepared it and he says it's all delicious and we're in for a real treat when he starts serving the Talamani food."

Kathryn surveyed the array of foods in cute little octagonal containers. "This is just marvelous. Oh, please, may I have some of that white stuff that looks like mashed potatoes? Gods but I'm hungry! Neelix, is he back?"

"No, he ordered it and beamed it up for me, it's their equivalent of take out food. Kathryn, Neelix is the guest of honor in a Talamani brothel, do you really think he's coming back a second earlier than he has to? He said he'd be back in time to make breakfast tomorrow."

"A brothel? Chakotay, did you go down there? I don't recall authorizing Neelix shore leave at a brothel! I really thought it was some kind of museum or side show or something like that."

Chakotay began filling her plate. "No, I haven't been down to the planet. You know I'd have to tell you if I left the ship and I certainly wouldn't go to a brothel. Ayala was down there; he talked to some of the locals, found out and told me. Apparently that 'emporium of sensual curiosities' the Prelate runs is little more than a house of prostitution and people pay handsomely to both enjoy the services of the 'exhibits' and, for the most part, just to sit in arenas and watch the action. From what Mike said, the Prelate makes quite a good living off of it and Neelix has them standing in line for hours and paying a premium price. Oh, don't worry, in the official log I listed it as a stay at the Talamani Cultural Service Center, loose translation, I know," he grinned.

Kathryn shook her head and rubbed her temple. "Chakotay, let me get this straight, people are standing in line and paying to watch Neelix um…?"

"Yup, that's pretty much the sum of it. May we change the subject before we ruin our appetites? Computer, play program Chakotay Tchaikovsky selections one. Kathryn, would you like some of this… whatever it is salad looking stuff? Oh, here, Neelix sent a PADD with the names of the foods and information about them. Um, Talabakk it's called… 'a delightful mélange of fine young Talamani herbs and legumes with a delightfully piquant and yet subtly assertive creamy Pobaberry sauce laced with a soupçon of glontak'."

She eagerly held out her plate and giggled, "That sounds like Neelix and I should have never let him have access to the French cuisine data base! A little more, please, and thank you so much, this is such a wonderful surprise and everything looks delicious. I guess my stint as head chef wasn't too successful, was it?"

He spoke as he loaded up her plate. "I wouldn't say that: nobody died, half the crew now has clean colons and I bet it'll be months before you have to see or hear another complaint about Neelix's cooking again. For what it's worth, Kathryn, I know you tried your best with very limited resources and I enjoyed working with you. Here, try the wine and let's toast to you being back in the big chair on the bridge from now on."

She smiled and tapped glasses with him. "And to the first officer and best friend who's always right beside me and makes sitting in that big chair easier. Thank you, Chakotay, for dinner tonight, for helping me out and, I promise, no more bets with Neelix."

The dinner was the best food they had had in months and, between the two of them, it all disappeared. Chakotay cleared the food containers into one cargo transport module and put it aside as he produced two more smaller containers from the galley. "Here, Neelix said this is a special surprise dessert he ordered just for us. Oh, here's something he says is even better than coffee for us to have with it."

Kathryn grabbed the container, popped off the top and went to get some mugs . "We'll see about that! I know better, 'even better than coffee' is usually worse than no coffee at all. Remember that chunky style coffee Neelix made once? Oh, I still have nightmares about that! It's been so long that I've been without coffee that I hear the crew isn't even afraid of me anymore." Chakotay gave her a lame smile as she poured the beverage and sampled it. "Wow, this is good! Oh my, this is great, as good as coffee… no, better than coffee!"

Chakotay tired it as well and nodded his approval. "This is good, Kathryn and it has quite a kick to it, I can feel it all ready! Soon as we're done dessert, I'll send a ship wide memo and tell the crew to be afraid of you again. This dessert looks interesting, Neelix says it's 'even better than chocolate'."

Kathryn's eyes lit up. "Oooh, give me a piece of that! Wow, it's delicious, kind of like fudge, but better! Chakotay, what's in that container the Prelate sent?"

He opened it and took out a PADD. Well, there's a note. Captain Janeway and her senior officers are invited to his home tomorrow night for an official formal dinner. In honor of Voyager's visit and Ambassador Neelix's most enjoyable stay for the last three days, the Prelate has commissioned the imperial bakers to create a special cake and has enclosed a smaller version of the one that will be served at the dinner tomorrow night." Chakotay removed the cake's container, sat it on the table and tapped the opening mechanism. He suddenly became about six shades whiter than Kathryn as he looked at the dessert. "Oh, my!"

Kathryn looked at it as she choked on her coffee. "Oh my! Uh, Chakotay, is that what I think it is?"

He rotated the cake ninety degrees. "Yes, Kathryn, unfortunately I think it might be. It certainly is very… uh lifelike, wouldn't you say?"

"Chakotay, how the hell should I know! It's not like I've ever seen that part of Neelix you know! Is it really purple and orange and all spotted and… wavy like that? Do you think that's life sized?"

"How the hell should I know? Kathryn, be thankful I don't know either! I suggest I throw this… thing away while you send the Prelate our regrets that we won't be able to attend the dinner tomorrow night and then we can cuddle up on the couch and finish off this other dessert and the coffee while we plan how to get all our people off that planet and out of here as fast as possible."

Kathryn and Chakotay had a good laugh over Neelix's frosted phallus as they finished off the coffee and the fudge. In view of how the Talamani government opted to commemorate Voyager's visit, they decided that a trip to the planet the next day probably wasn't such a good idea. The Talamani coffee didn't have the same long term stimulant properties as conventional replicated coffee, so it didn't take long for the fatigue, full stomachs and soft music to lull Chakotay and Kathryn to sleep, curled up together on the sofa.

Chakotay awoke first and nudged Kathryn. "Wake up, we fell asleep again. Kathryn, there is a part four, it's a hot bubble bath. Would you still like to take it or are you too tired?"

She awoke and stretched. "No, I think I have my second wind. Oh, Chakotay, did you forget? Engineering had to cut power to process the ore; there's no hot water until they're done, only sonic showers. Thanks for the thought and I'd kill for a nice hot bubble bath before I go to bed, but there's no hot water."

He got up, went to her desk, took out her phaser and smiled. "And did you forget, I'm the expert in providing you with a nice hot bath no matter the conditions? Give me a minute and I'll give you a tub full of nice hot water and bubbles! You stay there, I'll let you know when it's ready. Can you hand me those candles, please? Now, sit back down, I'll clean up, this evening is all about you, Kathryn. Here, there's more wine, pour yourself another glass if you'd like and you can finish it in your bath."

Chakotay filled the tub and used the hand phaser to heat the water so that it was exactly the temperature Kathryn liked. He positioned the candles around the room, placed what was probably the last clean fluffy towel on the ship beside the tub and went to get Kathryn. "Lady Janeway, your bath awaits. Hurry up before the water gets cold, but I left your phaser on the shelf in case it does. I'll finish cleaning the dishes and containers up, let myself out and I'll meet you in the mess hall at 0900 for a late breakfast and then we can decide what to do with our day off, OK?"

"OK. Come here!" she commanded as she slid her arms around Chakotay and hugged him tightly as her cheek melted into his chest. "Thank you, Chakotay, thank you so much for everything. The last three days have been miserable, but you made them so much better and thank you again for all your help and for arranging such a special evening for me. I swear, I'll make it up to you."

He looked down at her, smiled and stole a kiss. "You don't owe me anything, Kathryn, I'm glad to do whatever I can for you, you know that." Reluctantly, Chakotay let her slip from his embrace. "Go on, take your bath… unless you'd like some company maybe?" She gave him a look that usually meant trouble, so he surrendered and threw up his hands as she grabbed her wine and left the room. He started to clean up as he continued to talk to her. "I know, I know, you'll share a bath with me when… when pigs fly! Can't blame a guy for asking, Kathryn, it's not like I have a bathtub, you know, and I was just concerned about saving water. OK, OK, that's bullshit, I just want to share a bath with you, Kathryn, because I love you and it doesn't have to be more than a bath, you know, I am perfectly capable of behaving myself and not…" He was interrupted by Kathryn screeching his name, so he ran into the bathroom to find her cowering under the bubbles and obviously dreadfully afraid of something. "Kathryn, excuse me for barging in, but I heard you scream, what's wrong?"

She pointed towards the ceiling above the tub as she sank down lower beneath the bubbles. "Up there, d…d…. dddon't you see it?"

He looked, but didn't see anything. "See what, Kathryn, I don't see anything?"

She pointed again and spoke more adamantly the second time. "There, Chakotay, right above my bathtub! Don't you see it?"

He took a step closer and looked up very carefully. "No, Kathryn, I don't see anything at all. Maybe it was just an insect or some steam or a shadow from the candles or you're just really tired and had a little too much wine to drink?"

Her tone was now angry. "Chakotay, I am most certainly NOT drunk! I know what I saw and it was not steam, a shadow, a bug or my imagination."

He looked around the ceiling in the rest of the bathroom. "Kathryn, I believe you and I'll try to find it and I won't let it hurt you. What did it look like?"

"Well, Chakotay, it was big and pink and looked a lot like a flying pig!" Kathryn was biting her lip, but lost her composure and started giggling. "You're so gullible, I just love it! Chakotay, if you want to share my bath, well, I think it's about time and I wouldn't mind."

He was a bit miffed he had fallen for her ruse, but at the same time quite thrilled. "Are you sure, Kathryn?"

She tossed him the sponge. "Yes, I'm sure. Now get in here and scrub my back, will you please? Hurry up, this is a limited time offer, Mister!"

He started shucking his uniform at warp speed. "Don't have to give me an order twice, Captain!"

"I didn't think so, Commander." Kathryn giggled, "Oh my, Chakotay, those aren't exactly regulation shorts, are they?"

He gave her a little smile. "Oops, no, I guess they're not. Are you going to put me on report for it, Kathryn?"

"Probably not!" she giggled as she reached up and pulled him into the tub. "Damn, I love a good flying pig story, don't you?"

"Oh, yes, Kathryn, I love flying pigs almost as much as I love you!"

**THE END**

**02/19/08**


End file.
